Soviet Fighting Championship

[Guest]

This is the official soviet fc smack talk thread

[B0st0nh00ligan]

Reporter: Today we will be going to the BODYROCK gym in downtown St. Petersburg to visit with Aries “War God” Henderson. The 25 year old will be making his MMA debut on December 26th fighting for the Soviet Fighting Championship.

 

*Reporter walks inside gym, and camera shows Henderson rapidly looking through books*

 

Reporter: Hi, Mr. Henderson, we’re here to conduct the interview with you about your upcoming fight against Ury Sigaretov. It appears we’ve caught you at a good time, are you having a break from training at the moment?

 

Henderson: Yo, name’s Aries, not Mr. Henderson. And no, actually, this is my training for my fight, I’m lookin’ at Russian laws.*holds up book to show that is, in fact, a book about Russian law* I want to make sure that when I kill my opponent, I ain‘t goin‘ to jail.

 

Reporter: Well, to save you some time, I can assure you that as long as it happens fairly in the contents of a ring, you will not be charged.

 

Henderson: You sure?

 

Reporter: Absolutely, didn’t you watch Rocky IV?

 

Henderson: Fuck no, I don’t watch no white boy boxing movie. You saved my life though, man, I been goin’ through these books fo’ three days. I don’ even speak ruskie.

 

Reporter: Anyways… What else are you doing to prepare for your fight?

 

Henderson: Well, I be practicing for the post-fight interview, I went to get my hair done, ain‘t this shit tight? *Henderson points at his new Mohawk*, and tomorrow I be goin’ to go find some new sponsors, I need more money, yo, tryin’ to look good for these cameras is of the chain.

 

Reporter: No, I meant training-wise.

 

Henderson: Fuck that. I’mma kill that mofo. I’m more worried about how I look fo’ the ladies watchin’ me on TV, and whether or not I’d have to go to jail for killin’ that dumbass for getting in a ring with me.

 

Reporter: Aren’t you the least bit worried?

 

Henderson: About jail? Fuck yeah. I don’ wan’ go back.

 

Reporter: I meant about the upcoming fight, but I’ll take the bait, you were in jail?

 

Henderson: Yeah, 10 years, armed robbery, when I was 14. Spent that time learning to box. I had to, you know, to save my anal virginity. No way I’m going back.

 

Reporter: We’ve gotten a bit off track, let’s get back to your upcoming fight. What do you think of your opponent?

 

Henderson: Chump.

 

Reporter: He’s 2-1, has won one by submission, and has won his last two after losing his first fight. He’s also said to have a granite chin. What do you plan to do to counteract that?

 

Henderson: Well, first I’m going to punch him in the face. Then, if that doesn’t work, I’m going to punch him again. If by an act of God, that does not put him out, I’ll throw one more. There’s no way he can stand with me. I’m too good, too fast, too strong. All the other people he face been ass-clowns who don’ know howda fight. I’ll kill him, and then to be a respectful gentleman, I’ll go to his funeral. If I’m nice I won’t hit on his wife.

 

Reporter: You seem awfully cocky for someone who has never been in a professional fight before.

 

Henderson: It’s not cocky if you can back it up. I’mma back it up. His chin never been tested. It will be. Again, and again, and again until he is on his back looking up, asking what just happened, and the doctor is standing over him making attempts to save his life. He can try to take me down if he likes, we’ll see how that goes, considering his wrestling sucks. To add to all of these reasons why I will win my first fight, I learned a lot in jail, especially about fighting. I’ve fought dudes trying to shank me with a piece of plastic that they filed down to be razor sharp. I’ve fought to save my own life. On the 26th, Urine Cigarette-off or whatever his name is, will feel the same shit. I hope he has life insurance.

 

Reporter: Well, that’s all the time we have for this interview, thank you for your time, and good luck in your fight.

 

Henderson: Luck is for faggots and pussies, I don’t need it. He’s a dead man. If you happen to see him, let him know.

[B0st0nh00ligan]

Reporter: Today we’re going to be talking with “Magical” Ray Elbe. Elbe is BJJ brown belt, and has been known to be one of the most outspoken people in the sport. He will be making his MMA debut at Soviet 2 on December 26th. Oddly, instead of meeting him at the gym, as would normally be the case with a fighter a little over a week out from fighting, Elbe has asked us to come to his St. Petersburg home to conduct the interview. So, to oblige his requests, here we are, let’s go talk to him.

 

*Report walks up to door and rings door bell*

 

*Waits*

 

*Waits*

 

*Waits*

 

*Rings door bell again*

 

*Waits*

 

*Looks at watch*

 

*Waits*

 

*Gives cameraman a ‘where the hell is this guy?’ look*

 

*Pulls out cell phone and dials number*

 

Reporter: Yeah, Ray?… Yeah, I’m at your front door… For the interview… Yes it was today… No, I’m sure it wasn’t tomorrow… Well, when will you be home?… Okay we’ll wait. Well, turns out Ray thought the interview was tomorrow. Communication error, sorry. Fortunately, he’s around the corner, and will be here momentarily, in the mean time, enjoy this video compilation of Elbe competing in Jiu-jitsu tournaments.

 

*Ten minute video of Elbe doing BJJ*

 

*Elbe walks up, beer in hand, unshaven, pants halfway on, with no shirt on*

 

Elbe: Hey man, sorry about that, coulda sworn the interview was tomorrow. I was just over at this girls house making babies, if you catch my drift, no big deal, I can go back after we’re done.

 

Reporter: Shouldn’t you be training? You have a big fight coming up shortly.

 

Elbe: Have you seen that guy’s record? 0-1, his one fight a submission, by arm bar. The guy who did it was a white belt. Are you kidding? Training? I could spend the next six months jerking off, while he trains, and I’d still win this fight. He lost to a white belt. By submission! He’s a blue belt! I’m a brown belt, if he makes it out the first round, it’s because I let him.

 

Reporter: Confident. This seems to be the common theme throughout many of the fighters in your camp. We recently had an interview with Aries Henderson, and he seemed to have the share your seeming overconfidence heading into his fight.

 

Eble: Aries is a good fuckin’ dude. Horrible Jiu-jitsu. I mean wretchedly horrible. Good dude, though. All of who are managed by Brad Henderson are confident, and we’ve got good reason for it, we’re the best. Every one is primed to make a serious run in each of our divisions. I don’t think there’s fighters out there who can actually stop us. Aries, has some nasty boxing skills. I guess that’s what happens when you spend ten years in the clink. Then you look at guys like Ajarn. Dude’s fuckin’ nuts. Been fighting professional Muay Thai when he was 12? When I was 12 I was eating Cheetos and beating off Victoria’s Secret. Or Zangiev. That dude’s just straight scary, built like a tuna can, but fuckin’ scary. You even look at some of our younger fighters, like Bruce and Macedon out in LA, those kids are the future of this sport. I’m glad to be involved with them any way I can, even if it’s just winning fights so they can afford to pay their gym dues.

 

Reporter: Sounds like you guys have an awesome camp. You’ve also told us your game plan against your opponent, Chris Jericho, what do you have planned for your future?

 

Elbe: I could really use a new belt. Yeah, I think that’s it. I’m going to win a belt. That’s my future. In a nutshell.

 

Reporter: Well it’s been nice talking to you, I don’t want to take you away from your lady friend any longer than I have to. Good luck with your first fight, and thank you for the interview.

 

Elbe: No problem, man. Glad you’re letting me go though, that chick still thinks I’m in the bathroom.

[B0st0nh00ligan]

Reporter: Today we are back at the BODYROCK gym here in downtown St. Petersburg, talking to Ajarn Max, who will be facing Jimmy Cricket at Soviet 2. Ajarn is Thai, and speaks broken English, so please bear with him. Yesterday, we spoke with two members of his camp, Aries Henderson and Ray Elbe. We shall see today if Ajarn continues the tradition of seeming overconfidence which appears to be a hallmark of his team.

 

*Camera scans gym, showing Aries arguing with a make up artist over which type of eyeliner will make his eyes look better for the post fight interview, and Elbe, obviously shitfaced, dancing in his underwear, swinging a towel over his head, and slapping the ass of everyone who walks by. Camera then focuses on a Thai man with crazy hair continuously kicking a heavy bag with such force that the bag may eventually flip over the bar which suspends it. The bag has a picture of his Jimmy Cricket’s face on it.*

 

Reporter: Hello, Ajarn, we’re here from the SFC interview team here to conduct the interview with you.

 

Max: Hello, nice meet you. Me happy interview.

 

Reporter: Ajarn, would you like to talk about your upcoming opponent, Jimmy Cricket?

 

Max: He look like lady boy. Me knock out. BOOM!

 

Reporter: Cricket has been said to be superb boxer, how do you expect to counteract that?

 

Max: Boxing! Bah! *spits* Me Muay Thai. Muay Thai kill boxing. He only twenty. He only box few years. Me Muay Thai whole life. Me first pro fight 12 year old. I win. He lose.

 

Reporter: How many Muay Thai fights have you had?

 

Max: Three hundred.

 

Reporter: Three hundred fights?! Are you serious?

 

Max: Yes, me fight every two weeks since twelve years old. Me fight MMA to show power of Muay Thai to world.

 

Reporter: That’s impressive. What was your reco---

 

Henderson: Hey yo, scribe, which eye looks better?

 

Reporter: Excuse me?

 

Henderson: Which eye looks better, left or right?

 

Reporter: I guess right?

 

Henderson: Thank you. *turns to make up artist and starts yelling* See! I told you bitch! The one on the right looks better, even white boy writer here can see that. How fuck you justify chargin’ me $100 an hour for this?

 

Reporter: Sorry about that Ajarn. As I was saying, what was your record as a Muay Thai fighter?

 

Ajarn: 210 win, 60 loss, 30 draw. 170 knockout. Me champion.

 

Reporter: That’s absolutely incredible. And you say it so matter of factly, like it’s no big deal. I’m actually kind of surprised by how humble you are. Especially considering the rest of your team mates. What are your intentions as a mixed martial artist?

 

Ajarn: Me champion. Me win fight. Cricket squash.

 

*Camera shows Elbe standing behind the reporter holding his finger over his mouth giving the universal sign for “shh”*

 

Reporter: Excellent Ajarn, but I meant after this fight what are your inten--- *Elbe starts pouring beer out on reporter* ---Aw… what the hell?

 

Elbe: Man, you shouldn’t wear suits in a gym. You shoulda known this was coming. I mean how many times you been to a gym and not had a beer poured on you for wearing a suit?

 

Reporter: Never, actually.

 

Elbe: Well, there’s a first time for everything right, man. Speaking of which, you’ve got a real pretty mouth, how’bout a kiss?

 

Reporter: Umm… no? I’m a happily married straight man.

 

Elbe: You callin’ me gay?

 

Reporter: Well you’re in your underwear asking me to kiss you, what else am I to assume?

 

Elbe: Man, it’s not gay if you don’t look each other in the eye and your balls don’t touch.

 

Reporter: I think I have to leave.

 

*Reporter gets up, beer drips off of his suit everywhere*

 

Elbe: Nah man, stay, party’s just getting started, I’m about to pick out my entrance music for the next fight.

 

*Elbe slaps the reporter on the ass*

 

Reporter: Yeah, I’m out of here, you guys are insane.

 

*Reporter starts swiftly moving towards the door*

 

Ajarn: Interview! Interview!

 

Reporter: Sorry, Ajarn, maybe another time, I’ve gotta get out of here, this place is a zoo. Do you people ever train?

 

*Camera turns to Henderson who has just slapped the make up artist*

 

Henderson: Bitch are you fucking stupid?! Blush?! You ever seen a black man with rosy red cheeks before?!

 

*Camera turns back to reporter who is now white as a ghost, and noticeably scared for his life*

 

Reporter: Yeah, time to go.

 

Elbe: Nah man, stay! It’s happy hour! Have a margarita!

 

*Reporter starts literally sprinting for the door*

 

*Elbe catches him, takes him down, and starts dry humping him in the middle of the gym. Camera is then turned off*

[B0st0nh00ligan]

Aries Henderson has called out Jimmy Cricket, saying he wants to avenge the stunning loss Ajarn Max had against Cricket, bringing honor back to his camp.