Jan Paulsen interview thread (official)

[Guest]

Reporter: «We're here with Russian Combat heavyweight champion Jan Paulsen. First of all, thanks for accepting this interview, mr. Paulsen!»

 

*the camera spans the room, revealing the top-notch locale of the infamous Gesundheit headquarters. In the background, several known and unknown fighters can be seen doing padwork. The camera finally fixes on an unusually sober Jan Paulsen, wearing his trademark training wife-beater*

 

Paulsen: «No problem, man, thanks for having me.»

 

Reporter: «Following your draw with NFC heavyweight champion back in August, the media has been unable to reach you. Tell us about your feelings regarding this fight.»

 

Paulsen: «Well, I underestimated Pekka, that's for sure. I walked into the cage somewhat out of shape, not to mention fuckin' wasted. As soon as the bell rang, I started kicking his ass. I had misjudged my pre-fight drinks, though, and I had a hard time generating power in my shots. That's when that dirty fuckin' Finn started insulting me. I got pissed, and the next rounds reflected that. I swung wide, more arm punches than anything, and he managed to land a couple of kicks that really fuckin' stung. As I walked back to my corner after the second, Eirik told me to shape the fuck up, as I was making him look like a fool. He's never talked to me like that before, and I realized he was right: I was a fuckin' mess..»

 

*Jan stops for a moment and takes a sip of what appears to be... water?!*

 

Paulsen: «Nobody fucking talks to me like I'm a dog. As soon as the ref stepped out of my fucking crosshairs, I bullrushed Pekka and pounded the shit out of his ribs and head for the better half of five minutes. After that, it went downhill. Fuck that fight.»

 

Reporter: «A lot of strong emotions were set in play when the draw was announced. You threatened the announcer, mr. Topohanta expressed his... disappointment by calling Russian referees corrupted, and a post-fight brawl almost broke out between Eirik and Opa. What happened during the aftermath?»

 

Paulsen: «I was injured, so I didn't get to work out for ages. I slipped into a binge, and spent most of my time trashing shit in my house and drinking vodka. After a couple of days, though. I suddenly realized something: this shit was exactly why I had drawn in the first place. I had grown complacent with my own skillset, and it got my ass injured. That's when I called a couple of my training partners (and my fucking manager, of course) over to start gameplanning.»

 

Reporter: «So, does this mean we can expect the Jan Paulsen of old to make a reapperance in your fight versus Sergey Kharinov?»

 

Paulsen: «Bank on it. No more fancy schmancy shit, just plain old Berserkergang.»

 

Reporter: «You have been surprisingly quiet during the build-up to this fight, is it possible that the challenger scares you?»

 

*Jan Paulsen chuckles*

 

Paulsen: «Sergey is a training partner and one of my closest friends. He's also a dynamite striker and one of the only people I respect. However ...*Paulsen's face suddenly warps into a diabolic grin*... that doesn't mean I won't destroy him. I thirst for blood, and he's my next victim. Sergey has stared into the abyss, and now the abyss will break his ass in half. And this time, the abyss has something to fucking prove. I hope you enjoy the Bahamas... friend.»

 

*Jan Paulsen and Sergey Kharinov are set to clash at RC 103. Do not miss this titanic battle between two top-notch heavyweight sluggers!*

[Guest]

*Hundreds of cameras flash as former Russian Combat heavyweight champion Jan "Sir Chinsbane" Paulsen grabs the microphone at the post-fight conference. He looks battered and beaten, with his left hand in a caste. He points to a young lady in the audience*

 

Reporter: «Mr. Paulsen, we didn't see much of your trademark aggressive style today. Is there any reason in particular for this newfound passivity?»

 

*Jan stops to think for a moment, scratches his beard, and then replies:*

 

Paulsen:«In his previous fights, Sergey has missed a lot. I knew I didn't want to eat too many of those bombs, and my genius manager decided it was time I became a counter striker anyways. As we all know, it backfired. He landed a couple of shots that really shocked me. I felt like I was getting into my rhythm at last when he knocked me down, and then I became... scared. Next thing I know, I'm staring up at the lamps, and the ref is waving his hands. I have nothing to say; Sergey simply overwhelmed me.»

 

*Jan lets his arm wander across the audience for a while, before it stops at a rugged old man*

 

Reporter: «What do you intend to do now, mr. Paulsen? Will we see you in Russia in the near-future?»

 

Paulsen: «I came into the cage and got dominated. I've talked to James already, and he's agreed to let me train and recoup for a while. There are several interesting opponents in the division, though, so you can expect to see a new and better Jan Paulsen punching people in the not-too-distant future. I'm starting to realize that my mentality needs to change, and I hereby declare that I'll stop drinking vodka ..*an audible gasp goes through the audience*.. when I'm training.»

 

*Jan flashes a huge grin, and pulls a vodka bottle out of his hat; yes, literally*

 

Paulsen: «You're all invited for the after-party!»

 

*A loud roar goes through the audience, as Jan Paulsen leaves the stage*

 

James Lowich: «Ladies and gentlemen, JAN PAULSEN!»

[Guest]

*For a while nobody heard anything from Jan. Rumors flooded popular MMA websites, and stories about his alcohol abuse and destructive personality getting the better of him ran rampant. However, in November Jan reared his ugly head again, and he was transformed. For three rounds he dominated pro boxer Marcus Monstra en route to a crushing decision, the first decision win in Paulsen's career. Shortly after he once again shocked the world as he submitted heavyweight legend Cee Digits in two minutes, taking his belt in the process. As he was preparing for the Blitzkrieg heavyweight tournament, though, a new challenger reared his head..*

 

Paulsen: "The FUCK did you just say?"

 

Eirik: "Uhm, I just got off the phone with James. He found a new opponent for you."

Paulsen: "Hey, nothing's quite as fun as smacking the shit out of some bozo. Who is this poor bastard? Or, tell me tomorrow. I'm gettin' DRUNK tonight!"

 

Eirik: "About that... the fight is in nine days, so you might want to call of your plans for the next week.."

 

Paulsen: "Are you nuts? Why the fuck would I not get drunk? It's not like any of these fuckin' punks can hurt me or anything... Wait, the fight ain't against Sergey, right?"

 

*Sergey had taught Jan the true meaning of fear, and he was panicking as he gulped down his glass of moonshine*

 

Eirik: "Nope, that fight won't happen until the Gladiatorial Gauntlet is over with, at the very least... The guy is the light heavyweight champion. Ossi Jokinen. He asked for a fight with you."

 

Paulsen: "Hahaha, are you for real? Heh, well, that little shit shrimp has done it now. Tell James I'll give him that FinnFucker's head on a pole. And his manager, too. Så, dra til helvete med deg. I've got business to take care off."

 

*While having the old Jan Paulsen back is assuring in so many ways, one will have to wonder what will crumble first: His liver or his pride. Stay with us to find out.*

[Guest]

I love Jan.

[shortfuse122829]

seriously....this is neat, i'd like to see more stuff like this