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THIS WINTER

 

THE MOST FORGETTABLE FIGHT OF ALL TIME

 

WILL TAKE PLACE

 

IN THIS CLASH OF CANS

 

ONLY ONE

 

CAN SUCK MORE

 

Hello guys, Manny Tosen here. As you're probably not aware of, Kid Torres' retirement fight is just around the corner. He is fighting none other than notorious can crusher Aaron Witt in what has to be the MMA organization with the gayest name in the business. I am, of course, talking about "Amsterdam Little Warrior Champions".

 

Seriously, just look at that fucking name for a second god damn.

 

Anyways, I'll try to give you a run-down of this abortion of a fight and give you a couple of reasons why YOU should set your DVR to record this highly amusing train wreck.

 

Aaron Witt (18-0-1) hails from the desolate wasteland that is "rochester", USA. Yes, that is "rochester" with a lower-case r. Do not confuse it with the equally shitty place Rochester, NY. You might have noticed by now that Witt is sporting quite an impressive record. However, on further review, it's mostly made out of a colorful mix of little boys, homeless people and Witt's many fantasy friends. Witt's strength is supposed to be in the grappling department, but he's looked less than exceptional there lately. Some evil tongues claim it's because his fantasy friends started lifting weights or something. I don't fucking know.

 

On the other hand, Witt's opponent is none less (seriously, there is none less) than Kid Torres (31-21-2), winner of 0 straight fights. Hailing from the mean streets of Tijuana, Torres has become somewhat of an internet phenomenon during the twilight of his career due to his inability to take a punch and his manager's potty mouth. Kid Torres is nominally a striker, but he's only a striker in the sense that my friend Mike is a gynecologist. Also he has a fucking mullet.

 

Witt's biggest weapon in this fight is his lethargic top game. "the animal" was originally nicknamed "the sloth" due to his fighting style resembling a piece of roadkill having sex with a flat basketball, but was allowed to change after his coaches received a sternly written letter from his mother.

 

Torres' biggest weapon in this fight is his "onslaught" of leg kicks, gently slapping his opponent into submission. I would describe Kid Torres' fighting style as a somewhat rough game of Tickle Monster with a perverted uncle.

 

So why in god's name would anyone watch this? I can think of 3 reasons off the top of my head:

 

1) It's going to be hilarious

2) One of these guys will lose, their egos shattering forever

3) The fight purse will either go to a shelter for retarded children or a retarded child (Kid Torres)

 

The biggest winner of this fight will be me no matter what the outcome. While Aaron Witt may be a modern-day Jason Reinhardt, Kid Torres isn't even a "Mongolian Wolf".

 

My prediction: Aaron Witt by soul-crushing, blue-balling decision

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On the other hand, Witt's opponent is none less (seriously, there is none less) than Kid Torres (31-21-2), winner of 0 straight fights.

 

That part made me laugh the hardest.

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THIS WINTER

 

THE MOST FORGETTABLE FIGHT OF ALL TIME

 

WILL TAKE PLACE

 

IN THIS CLASH OF CANS

 

ONLY ONE

 

CAN SUCK MORE

 

Hello guys, Manny Tosen here. As you're probably not aware of, Kid Torres' retirement fight is just around the corner. He is fighting none other than notorious can crusher Aaron Witt in what has to be the MMA organization with the gayest name in the business. I am, of course, talking about "Amsterdam Little Warrior Champions".

 

Seriously, just look at that fucking name for a second god damn.

 

Anyways, I'll try to give you a run-down of this abortion of a fight and give you a couple of reasons why YOU should set your DVR to record this highly amusing train wreck.

 

Aaron Witt (18-0-1) hails from the desolate wasteland that is "rochester", USA. Yes, that is "rochester" with a lower-case r. Do not confuse it with the equally shitty place Rochester, NY. You might have noticed by now that Witt is sporting quite an impressive record. However, on further review, it's mostly made out of a colorful mix of little boys, homeless people and Witt's many fantasy friends. Witt's strength is supposed to be in the grappling department, but he's looked less than exceptional there lately. Some evil tongues claim it's because his fantasy friends started lifting weights or something. I don't fucking know.

 

On the other hand, Witt's opponent is none less (seriously, there is none less) than Kid Torres (31-21-2), winner of 0 straight fights. Hailing from the mean streets of Tijuana, Torres has become somewhat of an internet phenomenon during the twilight of his career due to his inability to take a punch and his manager's potty mouth. Kid Torres is nominally a striker, but he's only a striker in the sense that my friend Mike is a gynecologist. Also he has a fucking mullet.

 

Witt's biggest weapon in this fight is his lethargic top game. "the animal" was originally nicknamed "the sloth" due to his fighting style resembling a piece of roadkill having sex with a flat basketball, but was allowed to change after his coaches received a sternly written letter from his mother.

 

Torres' biggest weapon in this fight is his "onslaught" of leg kicks, gently slapping his opponent into submission. I would describe Kid Torres' fighting style as a somewhat rough game of Tickle Monster with a perverted uncle.

 

So why in god's name would anyone watch this? I can think of 3 reasons off the top of my head:

 

1) It's going to be hilarious

2) One of these guys will lose, their egos shattering forever

3) The fight purse will either go to a shelter for retarded children or a retarded child (Kid Torres)

 

The biggest winner of this fight will be me no matter what the outcome. While Aaron Witt may be a modern-day Jason Reinhardt, Kid Torres isn't even a "Mongolian Wolf".

 

My prediction: Aaron Witt by soul-crushing, blue-balling decision

 

Simply amazing. Could you write my eulogy at some point? I can just see the family's reaction when you open with, "Back in the 80's, some fat guy got drunk and wasted sperm knocking up this whore in Alabama..."

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i liked mannetosen's...until he went full finnish and picked witt to win. you out of your mind bro? youre talking about the manager that ended one of your guys in 11 seconds. know your place...boy.

 

luckily for me, i have the opportunity to smash you on the same day that i smash witt.

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*In lieu of a Primetime show owned by "Amsterdam Little Warrior Champions", mainly because they suck, I decided to make one myself. The trip first went to Tijuana to meet Kid Torres' closest friends and family*

 

Manny Tosen: "We are here with Kid Torres' long-time girlfriend and pet donkey, Bessy. Bessy, please tell us all about Kid's sexual prowess. The fans deserve to know."

 

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KsKQLiauXBg/S9lQid8YVxI/AAAAAAAAAHI/5b3Axt3lX1c/s1600/Old_Donkey.jpg

 

*Bessy was hard to communicate with, seeing as she was a fucking donkey. I decided to mosey around some more in hopes of finding something juicy*

 

http://media.sdreader.com/img/croppedphotos/2011/02/16/Desperate_Dashers_t658.jpg?ff95ca2b4c25d2d6ff3bfb257febf11d604414e5

 

*Unfortunately, there was nothing interesting to see. This was a lonely, barren place, and Kid Torres' fighting career suddenly made an awful lot of sense. He wasn't fighting to win, he was fighting to die so that he'd finally escape his terrible, terrible life*

 

Manny Tosen: "Mr. Torres, are you here? It's the press."

 

*All of a sudden, a creature emerged from under a pile of pig excrements. It was a foul, tiny creature, its shit-smeared, greasy mullet glistening in the afternoon sun*

 

http://espangrish.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Funny-Mexican-Mullet-Joe-Dirt-Jose-Dirt.png

 

Kid Torres: "I'll teach you to not make fun of me, ese!"

 

*I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared. We were in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, Mexico, and I had a pissed cage fighting veteran in front of me. I could not back down, though. The honor of "Amsterdam Little Warrior Champions" was at stake*

 

Manny Tosen: "Mr. Torres, is your biggest regret that you never got to fight the other, great Mexican featherweight, Dora the Explorer? Considering weight classes and fighting skill, it'd be a close fight."

 

*Kid Torres came at me in a blind, meth-fuelled rage. As his first kick "crashed" into my quads I realized that he couldn't hurt me. Kick after kick landed on my legs, gently massaging away days of walking around looking for a scoop and running from the local police*

 

Manny Tosen: "This is a really pleasant surprise, Mr. Torres. May I call you Kid? If I had known that you were ...ah, yes, that's the spot... a professional masseuse all along I would never have bad-mouthed you."

 

*Flustered and panting, Kid Torres pulled out a knife, seeing as that's the only way he knows how to hurt anyone. As he came shuffling towards me I knocked him unconscious with a single swing from my man-purse. As Bessy came gallopping over to Torres' broken husk of a body, I decided to flee the scene. Tijuana still had much to offer for a virile young man like myself*

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the truth never gets stale.

 

witt isnt worthy of a true writeup for a fight with kid torres...he's a meaningless opponent. he certainly shouldnt have one written by a finn manager who made a career of beating up scrubs...scrubs that were handed to him by his shady org owner friends. you milked that blitz system as long as you could, being fed fakers like witt. more than half your roster was built up the same way witt was...youre familiar with the situation. the time is now...i'm ending witt, then ending you...finn son of a bitch.

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