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H 160: Leo vs Shavo

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Hello fight fans!

There are tons of matchups to talk about on this card. Roman Kersikov! Leonardo Ferreira! Shavo Odin! Chung Quela! These legends are all fighting on this card and thinking about it has kept me up at night.

Today, however, the tenth fight of this legendary fight card was announced.

 

http://www.mmatycoon.com/scoutfight.php?fida=224213&fidb=35295

Tiao Macale needs no introduction. A veteran to the fight game, and formerly the most popular man in MMA, Macale possesses a respectable 63.5% finishing rate over an astounding 78 professional fights. He's a legend, a humanitarian and employed as a personal gigolo to Scarlett Johansson.

So who is this force of nature fighting?

None other than an unknown, 1-0 member of the infamous Kersikov clan.

You heard me. 1-0.

Not much is known about Osama bin Kersikov. He claims to have been born and raised in a cave in the Sulaiman mountain range. His father was a member of the Muhajeddin under the Soviet incursion, but returned to his humble origins as a goat herder after the war ended, and bin Kersikov started training out of the legendary Penile Complex gym in Rio de Janeiro at some point during the 21th century. There isn't a whole lot to say about Osama's abilities as a fighter, seeing as the only footage available of him online is a grainy cellphone camera video of his debut fight, and a bizarre short movie he made recently denouncing American imperialism and the use of poultry rather than goats in Kentucky Fried Chicken's products.

bin Kersikov and his manager, Manuel Tosen, will be doing a short interview with us once they get through the "routine control" they were stopped in at the airport.

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*After several hours in a dark room at the JFK airport, Osama bin Kersikov and Manuel Tosen finally show up. Tosen has some light stubble and is wearing a white shirt stained with barbeque sauce. Osama bin Kersikov sports a massive beard and is wearing a custom made goat shirt from Conviction*

Reporter: "Welcome, guys! I've been very eager to meet you two! Please, have a seat!"

*Manuel Tosen immediately collapses into one of the chairs. bin Kersikov stays standing and stares out the window. He doesn't look much like a fighter with his dirty beard and tall, gangly frame*

Reporter: "Ahem, mr. bin Kersikov? Do you want to sit down?"

Tosen: "You have to understand, Osama here isn't used to furniture. He thinks it's an excessive luxury and fears it'll make him decadent and less godly."

Reporter: "So how does he sleep?"

Tosen: "He sleeps under a rag in my garage most of the time."

Reporter: "Uh, okay, I see. Moving on, I'd like to hear his thoughts on the Macale fight seeing as it seemed to materialize out of thin air. Why is a veteran of almost 80 fights fighting some -and I mean no offense- 1-0 nobody?"

*Kersikov slowly turns around, and I get a good look at his face for the first time. He has the worn, hungry look that only 3rd world peasants and hermits usually have. He turns to Tosen and quickly babbles in what sounds like a Pashto bastard dialect*

Tosen: "He's saying that he intends to kill Macale, and whether it happens during the fight or later on doesn't really matter to him."

Reporter: "Is there any bad blood between the two?"

Tosen: "What you need to understand about OBK -that's what we call him around the gym- is that he doesn't really understand MMA as a concept. When I recruited him for my merry band of miscreants, I told him it was the simplest way to kick Russian ass without getting machine gunned from a helicopter later on. He sees beating up Macale as a way to get the Russians to come to him once again because, as history shows, Afghans almost never lose defensive wars."

Reporter: "Huh. So, how did OBK -am I pronouncing this right?- get the offer to fight a veteran like this in his second fight, let alone on a Heroic PPV?"

Tosen: "Dean owes me a favor and OBK is Roman's cousin in some way or another. When it became obvious that Macale was without an opponent, Roman threatened to no-show unless Osama got a crack at him. That's how much the rest of the clan believes in this guy. My only fear is that he'll get disqualified somehow."

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thegroovemonkey Red Belt

thegroovemonkey

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I caught up with Groove Monkey in his LA training facility while he was overlooking their PM training session. I had called him up and said I had a few questions for him. He agreed and without hesitation and went on a rant about Louie DePalma and Frank Rizzo Jr. I won't go into to much detail but at one point I'm pretty sure he insinuated that Mr. Depalma fornicates with elk and uses maple syrup as lubricant. After letting him finish I explained to him that Mannetosen had just done an interview concerning the upcoming Macale/OBK fight. He told me to come over whenever I had the chance.

 

Reporter: Mr. Monkey I...

 

GM: Call me Groove.

 

Reporter: Ok, Groove, I was wondering if you could elaborate on what you told me over the phone.

 

GM: That Mannetosen's head is so far up his ass you'd mistake him for a Frenchman? Well the truth is neither Macale nor I care who OBK is. After almost 80 fights and being the #1 openweight fighter in the world there is very little left for my client to accomplish and he is looking forward to a long stay in the Bahamas. Before he goes though, we both want to know if anybody can crack his legendary chin.

 

Reporter: But he was finished by Richard Callaghan wasn't he?

 

GM: Yeah he was,but that was a fixed fight. Tiao fought Rick 3 times in a row and we all made a killing off of it in MMM. We agreed before the match that Rick could pick the sliders and Tiao would come into the fight hurt. We had to put makeup on him to hide the black eye so that people would still bet on him. The most famous chin in all of MMA finally broken by a training partner, the WWE couldn't ask for a better storyline than that and we were printing money at that point.

 

Reporter: Are you saying that MMM engaged in fight fixing and other fraudulent activity?

 

GM: Are really asking me this?

 

Reporter: I just was being polite...

 

GM: It's ok, I mean, there was the Jim Duggan Fight which is not how you want to go about fixing a fight. Talk about a PR nightmare. Anyways, Macale wanted to take a few last fights before he retires but solely for the purpose of seeing if anybody can actually knock him out. Mannetosen stepped up and offered some project that nobody has ever heard of and I agreed. Apparently he's been telling that kid a bunch of BS to hype him up which is a shame because he looks promising. This loss is going to devastate him and I hope he's able to come back from it. To be honest, he should probably look for a new manager and I think he could be really successful.

 

Reporter: That is a lot different of a picture than what Mannetosen has been painting.

 

GM: The real question is why you guys continue to believe and print everything that clown says. Half the time he's making things up to hype fights and the other half he's too cock drunk from Mr. Crisse to put a coherent sentence together. You guys really need to start coming to me first about this sort of thing, it will save a lot of future trouble. Thanks for stopping by, I need to go shout at my fighters for a little while now so they know I still care.

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Reporter: "Mr. Tosen, what do you have to say regarding the blatant allegations from the Groovemonkey camp that you are a cheating lying scoundrel?"

Tosen: "What a ludicrous idea! Why do you people keep listening to that washed up alcoholic? He even admitted himself that all of Macale's fights were fixed. As far as I'm concerned this is the first real test of that ass clown's pro wrestling-esque career."

Reporter: "Do you have any proof of Groove being an alcoholic?"

Tosen: "Have you ever seen him not drunk?"

Reporter: "As a matter of fact I interviewed him 5 minutes ago and I---"

Tosen: "That's what I thought. Moving on, it's really sad that you guys are encouraging him. Ever since he lost his job at Chuck E. Cheese for hitting at the boss' underaged daughter and got back into fighter management, he's obviously been struggling mentally. You should be ashamed of yourself."

*Tosen drops the microphone and bow-leggedly strides off while I wonder what the fuck I just experienced*

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ArtieBanks Red Belt

ArtieBanks

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The sun is splitting the trees here in New York as i await to gain access to the legendary Sheep Shaggers of Aberdeen training center the temporary home of the Kersikov clan. Dean Sutherland comes out to greet me in his tailored suit boasting proudly a big #1 badge on his chest.

 

Reporter - Is it not too warm for a suit?

 

Dean - its never to warm for a suit as long as you are freeballin' it.

 

Reporter - Nice to know... Whats with the big badge?

 

Dean - Andrei brought it home with him from Toyko after his one sided ass kicking of some KT can. The power rankings showed me as the #1 manager in the game. Andrei told me to put it on and i put it on, whenever Andrei presents you with a gift you take it and smile.

 

Reporter - So where is the Kersikovs?

 

Dean - Inside the gym broski. We will have to be quick though Roman is flying out tonight to Rio to help train OBK.

 

We walk inside making some small talk as i see the Kersikov clan in the lounge area. I see a cow on the spit being cooked by Vitali, Roman and Bokyo are arm wrestling as Andrei and Hamish argue over who gets first crack at trying to eat the cow. Rustam and Vlad are in a heated debate which i can't understand as it is in Russian and Marko is hooked up to some sort of machine.

 

Reporter - So guys, what do you think about OBK having his first serious fight?

 

Roman - He will knock the can out pretty easily. He is a Kersikov so its clear he has been blessed with a chin of steel and the power of a Greek God.

 

Vlad - Hey...

 

Andrei - Vlad hits like pussy. Vitali fights like pussy so he now just cook.

 

Reporter - Which one of you guys is OBK related too?

 

Marko - Me, he is my half brother and Romans cousin.

 

Roman - We won't bother getting too much into the family tree; its all fucked up.

 

Reporter - Will he be joining you guys in NY training anytime soon?

 

Roman - Yes, i'll be offering him a place in our new gym when it is built.

 

Reporter - Why not here?

 

Andrei - This place is a dump.

 

Hamish - Fuck you ya pie this place belonged tae ma uncle fae Barra.

 

Dean shoots both of them a dirty look

 

Dean - This place is great but we are rebuilding the Kersikov Underground Bunker.

 

Reporter - What happened to the old one?

 

Dean - OBK was rumored to be coming up so the President gave SEAL Team 6 the order to come in and capture him.

 

Reporter - Shit what happened? Were you guys ok?

 

Andrei - SEAL Team 6 disappear.

 

Roman - Let us just say American special forces are no match for some good old commie power.

 

Reporter - Errrr ok. So what happens if Macale wins?

 

Marko - He won't.

 

Reporter - Thanks you guys for the time

 

 

As i leave the gym i see Hamish and Andrei like a pair of lions ripping into that cow. These Kersikovs are a weird bunch.

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thegroovemonkey Red Belt

thegroovemonkey

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It is a gym full of champions and up and coming prospects but thanks for letting me clarify that for you. Can i ask you a question?

 

Is that a gym you have or the Coca Cola factory? Because all i see is cans.

If you did a little research you would know that Coca Cola only makes the syrup, so next time choose Pepsi.

 

And wasn't the reporter wearing a watch at the beginning of the interview?

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