Kaufman

Hare

Cole Driscoll can't finish a half-eaten ham sandwich let alone his opponent. That's why he's the Vice President. After this fight, he'll go back to his previous career of teaching junior high girls volleyball. Sad Face will crush you, Driscoll. And then you will be sad, because it's contagious. Like yawning. I will pound your ginger face so far down you'll have a red moustache coming out of your ass. I'm here to get paid. -Sergei "Sad Face Jobber" Blumm

Statement on Behalf of Kaufman Holdings It has to our attention that a CWMMA fighter was recently approached by individuals claiming to be Valentina Konstantinova Kaminova and Vsevelod Kaufman on behalf of CWMMA Owner Matty Fernandez. This is, of course, impossible as Kaufman himself has little dealings with such trivial matters and certainly would not lower himself to do business directly with fighters. The Kaufman organization and individuals associated with Kaufman do not speak on behalf of Mr. Fernandez or the CWMMA. Nor does the Kaufman organization have the authority to offer contracts or fights on behalf of the entity mentioned herein. While Kaufman is involved in vast and varied business ventures across the world, his dealings in combat sports has so far been limited to press relations, communications, and fighter management. On the claim that the Kaufman Organization assisted Mr. Navarro in securing immigration status. At this time, Kaufman does not maintain formal relations or dealings with any governmental entity. It has been confirmed, however, that Mr. Navarro HAS gained immigration status AND secured a contract with the CWMMA. __________________________________________ Purpose, Nice write-up! I look forward to more. Get at me if you want to write something together. Your initiative has been noticed by the CWMMA Brass.

CWMMA: A New Dawn Event Review MAIN EVENT Sam Salter Vs. Al Barru This is the one we had all been waiting for. I had my beverage refreshed and snacks at ready. Got settled in and..oh…OH….AND IT’S ALL OVER! Damn, I hadn’t even taken a sip of my whiskey (Colonel EH Taylor Single Barrel) yet. That was quick. The Salt putting a big W stamp on his career passport with this one, doing so in style and full effect. It took Salter all of 25 seconds to sink in that guillotine and send Al Barru off to dreamland. Why in tarnation would Barru consciously take this fight to the ground with a BJJ Brown Belt boasting an 8-fight win streak… with all 8 win coming by way of SUBMISSION. Enough about that, Sam Salter came in hot and come out the other end HOTTER. Lower weight divisions, take notice, Sam “The Salt” Salter is HERE! Sam had this to say in his post-fight interview: Prediction: It’s impossible to ignore Sam Salter’s 8 submission wins. We’re going with Salty’s BJJ action by the first-round submission. Result: Salty’s BJJ action by first-round submission CO-MAIN EVENT Riku Nobunaga vs. Crazy Legs As expected, this was a ground war made especially for the viewing pleasure of BJJ stylists. The judges never forget who took it to the ground at the outset of each round, with Crazy Legs scoring takedowns well-executed takedowns. Certainly, Nobunaga was comfortable going there and didn’t mind. We would imagine it factored into the scorecards. Ultimately, the dubya went to the more active fighter. It wasn’t a blow-out by any means, though. No one tapped. Perhaps the only true losers were those fans without appreciations for the finer points of submission grappling. Sadly, that is a lot of fans ☹. Prediction: Nobunaga, second round submission. Safe choice here. All things equal Nobunaga holds edge were both fighters excel. Result: Crazy Legs wins via ALL judges’ scorecards. Well done, big guy. Paulo Maldini vs. Mario Thomas Both of these men had demonstrated a considerable penchant and acumen for striking in previous fights. Fans were surely expecting a nicely giftwrapped package full of FISTS! And boy, did these guys DELIVER. Three rounds chock-full of back-and-forth face smeshing action. Let’s break it down a little bit. The first round had Thomas really showcasing his wares. This is likely where he landed the majority of his significant strikes. All three judges recognized this and gave him the first round. After that, Thomas kept up his striking, but Maldini really took over. In the second round, Maldini scored points by showing dominance in the clinch. No offense was delivered in that position, but he entered and exited with ease. The third round Thomas still pressed ahead in true warrior fashion. Maldini just had him out-skilled in deep water and nearly finished it with a flurry at the end. Thomas is no slouch, he bit down on his mouthpiece and held on till the end. Mario Thomas had this to say after his Loss: Nice sportsmanship there, brother. The fans were the true winners. Thanks for the action! Prediction: Really hard to call. Maldini split decision. It’s going to be a damn slug fest. Can’t wait. Result: ALL Judges give this epic war to Paulo Maldini Great work gentlemen. Fight of the fuckin Night ova here!! Floki Magnusson vs. Matteo Sanchez What can we say about this fight that can’t be seen by the redness and bruising on Cabron’s face and body after it’s conclusion. Matteo seemed to have the right idea of using his length to try to keep Floki on the outside and pepper him with head kicks, hoping on would put him out. But plans are thrown out the window against a game opponent once you’ve stepped foot in that cage. Magnusson had a strategy of his own, which he executed with the utmost perfection. Smother the crap out of Sanchez and hit him in all kinds of ways until he goes down. Done and Done. Cabron’s team will be looking at helping him avoiding getting cut like he did early on in the first round. All that said, Matteo has a committed fanbase and solid management team. Look for him to bounce back and make the CABRON NATION proud very soon. Prediction: Iceland by 2nd round TKO Result: Iceland by 1st round TKO Victor Contrieras vs. Terrance Gerin We were right about one thing. These guys came out swingin’ It was not hard to tell from the jump that by the end of this one, at least one guy was going to be waking up thinkin’ it’s last week. Gerin made a bad move and paid for it dearly coming out on the wrong end of a face full of paw. I’m sure had he been asked he would have opted to keep going. But it was in the referee’s hands. Gerin appeared to be trying to keep Mad Dog at the end of his jab and set up a finish in the later rounds. Mad Dog clearly had other ideas, throwing power punches from the bell. The fans absolutely devoured this one and I’m sure they can’t wait for the next card featuring both of these fighters. This one will be in highlight reels for years to come. Big ups to Mad Dog for KO of the fuckin Night. Listen, guys, no more checking the time when you fight Mad Dog. He’ll tell you what time it is. Bedtime. Prediction: Mad Dog by decision Result: Mad Dog TKO Strikes Round One! GIVE THE DOG MORE MEAT!! Thorvald Nansen vs. Da Two Well, we said it here, Da Two isn’t good enough to go to the ground with Nansen. There ya go. Torden earns the tap out round one. He nearly tore his damn arm out. Hopefully, Da Two doesn’t suffer any long term damage. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly Two’s choice to go to the ground the first place. Da Two was basically knocked around and rag-dolled for the entire match mustering one successful strike. Nansen showed such caliber in every aspect of his game in UNDER four minutes, that it should rightfully prove worrisome to his future opposition. Prediction: Torden first round TKO Result: Torden by 1st round submission (kimura) eL IsoG vs. Leevi Saros As we recall from the pre-event presser, Leevi Saros placed a stone an equal distance between him and eL IsoG. IsoG subsequently hurled the stone into the abyss. But did he really, in their consciousness. Or perhaps that stone remained, subconsciously placed an equal distance between them, all the way through till the last bell was rung? Maybe there’s more to this humble, hometown hero that meets the eye. Certainty, we will have time to find out as this rivalry has tumbled over into social media with each fighter and their teams having choice words for each other and the judges ever since the unpopular decision was rendered. Looking through the match, it really could have gone either way with each fighter showing sparks of brilliance. It was just too little, too late for IsoG, who showed himself to be the better fighter in the clinch. Clearly, the judges didn’t weigh his work there as heavily as other judges may have. We can expect the fiery and effusive eL IsoG to be back with a vengeance against anyone he’s put up against. And he won’t be looking for the decision. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This rivalry is FAR from over. If I were a matchmaker, I’d put these boys back in there right quick and let ‘em finish what they started. Prediction: IsoG by split decision Result: Draw. Like kissing ya sister. Saint George vs. Christopher Nolen Chris Nolen wasn’t ready. The pressure was too much for him apparently. It looks he had a game plan, but it was quickly squashed as he was overwhelmed by Saint George early in the first round. Knuckles is a young guy, one loss ain’t killed no one yet (well, mostly). He’ll be back and with the right training he’ll have a future in the CWMMA and maybe even SYN, one day. We can’t look past “Sir” Saint George here though. This man delivered a stellar performance and will require more game (no disrespect, knuckles) opposition in the near future. Expect fireworks from Saint George and also, he can expect fighters to start asking about his unorthodox training which is said to involve literally living like a knight. Apparently, that shit is legit. Prediction: “Sir” Saint George will please his lord with a first round KO Result: The right honorable “Sir” Saint George by first round TKO by punches. The Lord will be pleased. William Gray vs. Eden Tiah All credit to Eden Tiah for making it all the way to the end. A lessor man would have crumbled under the relentless beatdown rained upon him by the man known as ‘Boozer.’ Gold Fist stayed in it the whole match and avoided getting finished, unfortunately, that’s where the good news ended for him. Gray dictated the pace and levels in each of the three rounds AND had incredible accuracy and diversity in his striking. A little more heat on those strikes may have netted him a TKO. William Gray had this to say to members of the media who had predicted his defeat: Prediction: Gold Fist by 2nd round TKO Result: …wait for it…Williaaaammmm “Booooozzzzeeerrr” Grraaaayyyyyy says don’t count me out, bitches. Unleashes three rounds of whupass! Wins the hearts of all three judges. Unanimous Decision. Dustin Sleeth vs. Patryk Mikolajczyk If this one had stayed on its feet, it may have ended with Miko’s hand raised. He was able to string together some nice kicks and even had some slight success in the clinch. Although not much. Once it hit the ground, he was in Dustin Sleeth’s element completely. He answered with a tiny bit of of ground pound, but had answers for little else. Dustin Sleeth, meanwhile, patiently grinded out a nice win for himself. It may not earn him many new fans, but no doubt it will give him a good starting point in his division. A win is a win, people. Sleeth may look to start to focus more on taking one piece of his game. While his knowledge of various martial arts will make him a threat in the lower rankings, faced with an opponent with an obvious strength in a given style may expose Dustin’s weaknesses in his coming bouts. An emphasis on BJJ likely would have netted him a finish in this one. Let’s forget all that for now and let Dustin celebrate an impressive win. Cheers to you, Dustin. Prediction: Sleeth gets the Dubbya by first round tapout Result: Dustin Sleeth Unanimous Decision

This can be arranged, sir. -Kaufman P.S. You did a nice little interview already. I enjoyed it.

The atmosphere is electric in the typically quiet lobby of the CWMMA Headquarters building in Helsinki Finland. There are people scattered all over. Reporters, cameras, Helsinki based fighters and teams, fighters/teams who have arrived for a NEW DAWN, and committed fans. A nervous Dick Bakeman is hobbling around somewhere in the crowd. Most fighters are in the zone. We are less than 24 hours away from fist-meets-face time! At one end of the room is podium with the CWMMA logo and rows of folding chairs set out in front of it. There is an area in the front for photographers. A similar set-up to the New Dawn Press Conference, except no table. The clock strikes the appropriate hour and an announcer calls for everyone to be seated. CWMMA staff assist in corralling everyone into their chairs. For approximately one minute, nothing happens. The crowd looks around eager to discern the source of this alleged BIG ANNOUNCEMENT that everyone was hastily assembled for. Suddenly, the elevator doors behind the rows of chairs open. Out stroll top CWMMA brass, Matty Fernandez followed closely by John Wayne sporting cowboy hat. Mr. Wayne appears to be wearing a holster at his side containing…a calculator. Math is a powerful weapon, folks. Stay in school. They are followed by several staffers who take their seats promptly. Matty and John make their way to the front of the room, taking ample time to share pleasantries with members of the audience and press. When they reach the podium, John takes a seat in reserved chair in the front row. Matty Fernandez: Hello…good day to you all. Happy to see so many of you made it on short notice. Believe me, it’s been a crazy week. I know I said, there was no major announcement earlier this week. Well folks (Matty smiles) I lied. (Crowd reacts) We had to do our due diligence, okay? And now we are ready to make the announcement. As you know, CWMMA is new organization. Our goal was always to provide a platform for up-and-coming fighters and catapult them to the biggest, most established organizations out there. We’ve made a HUGE step in that direction. I am absolutely THRILLED to announce that Caged Warriors MMA has joined the SYN Family. Now, as an official development organization for the MOST HYPED MMA promotion in the WORLD. Our fighters will be just ONE STEP AWAY from the pound-for-pound best. I’m sure you all have a ton of questions and I assure you they will be answered. But not right now. John and I have sooo much paperwork to complete and don’t forget, A NEW DAWN is in like 20 hours. Not to worry, we’ll be having a live TV interview with myself and Chuck W94 in the coming days hosted by the one and only “Legend” Kale Suanders and (takes a deep breath)…and urgh, Dick Bakeman too. You happy now, DICK?! I promise all of your questions will be answered. Till then. Ciao. Matty and John powerwalk straight toward the elevators, this time avoiding interactions with adoring fans and other unsavory individuals. These men are on a mutha fuckin mission.

Good work, Destin. Looking forward to reading more.

Meanwhile, at CWMMA Headquarters in the Sörnäinen neighborhood of Helsinki. Good afternoon, you’ve reached the executive offices of Caged Warriors MMA, how may I direct your call? I need to speak with Matty Fernandez NOW! May I ask who is calling, please? It’s Dick Bakeman from ABC…That’s D-I-C-K B-A-K-E-M-A-N from A-B-C. Get me Matty, now! Please hold while I transfer the call. CWMMA’s executive administrative assistant places Dick Bakeman of ABC on hold and presses two buttons on the phone at the corner of her desk. Matty, we have a Dick…Bakeman from ABC on the line for you. It sounds urgent. Should I put him through? Matty Fernandez is at his desk going over stacks of documents. There are binders piled high on one side. Several open binders with charts and graphs on top of each other on the other side. Matty reviews one of the graphs placing his finger on some key point, makes a notes on his pad, and types several strokes on a keyboard attached to a sleek desktop computer. The administrative assistants voice startles him. He jumps up to look for the phone under the mounds of paper, nudging his desk and dumping a portion of its contents. Matty Fernandez: Eh Shit…Ok, Olivia, give me 20 seconds and then put him through. Matty starts to smooth out his hair and brush crumbs off of his shirt. Then he remembers it’s a phone call. No one can see you. D’oh. Go ahead and put him through. MATTY, IT'S BAKEMAN. YOU MOTHER FUCKER..I'M GOING TO HAVE THE LAWYERS SO FAR UP YOUR... Slow down, Dick. I can’t understand what you’re saying if you yell like that. Dick…calm down. What? The electricity in your house went out? Why are you telling me this, call your power company. Oh…yeah, that’s weird. No…no don’t call the police I know this is serious, DICK. Dick…Dick…SHUT THE FUCK UP DICK! Listen, we already formally apologized to you about what happened. It is deeply regrettable. You got the check to cover your medical expense, yeah? I’m sure you noticed we also included extra for…emotional damages. I don’t why the check came from SYN, I’m not an accountant, I don’t send the checks KAUFMAN?! I don’t have any clue if he had anything to do with it. For all we know, it could have been…Russian hackers…hahaha. Too soon? Ok, you’re right it’s not funny. I didn’t know all your bank accounts and credit cards were compromised. Look, off the record, I haven’t even met the guy. I think I talked to him once. They say he’s going to show up, but that stone-cold-bitch Valentina shows up instead. Their business practices leave much to be desired. But the signatures show up on time. And the work…well, let’s just say he can deliver. I already told you, I don’t know anything about him. I’m not a private investigator. Do your own damn research, Dick. You work for ABC, don’t you? I know, buddy. We owe you…we’ll make it right. Fine…alright. You got me. There MIGHT be something major afoot. There WILL be a major announcement coming very, very soon. Dick, you better get your ass on a plane to Helsinki.

KAUFMAN presents FIGHTER’S LIFE Episode 1.2 The Deair Shaw Story …Vernita Perkins: And here you are, a professional fighter, the gang life seemingly in your rearview. What changed? Deair Shaw: *smiles sincerely* It wasn’t a what, Vernita. It was a who. *Deair displays twinkle in his eye* VP: Ok Ok *wags her finger at Deair slyly* I recognize that look. Boy, now you got Vernita interested…spill the beans! *We are back to the familiar alley where all the turning points in life just seem to occur. Everything looks the same. Same trash, same shit smell, same dim lighting, same metal bin. It’s as if nothing has changed, except time. At one end of the alley, the footsteps and dissonance of belligerent youths is heard. It is Deair and his crew. Same as a few years back, only further into the throes of puberty. They strut along, punting anything in their path. On the other side of the alley, walking toward them, are two teenage girls. One is especially radiant. Emitting a certain…glow. As they prepare to meet in the middle, members of Deair’s posse start to get riled up, sensing prey approaching* Thug 1: Hey girl, why don’t you smile. C’mon baby smile for daddy. Thug 2: Where you goin? What, you don’t wanna come hang out? I could think of plenty of fun things we could all do together. *Deair’s crew erupts with laughter and exchanges congratulatory fist bumps at the “wisecrack.” Deair reluctantly joins the banter. The teenage girls, suddenly scared and uncertain, focus their gazes down trying to avoid eye contact. They attempt to squeeze past the group, but one of Deair’s peers gets directly in front of them and blocks their way. He takes a few steps forward, into the girl with the special aura. She stumbles back against the wall. The thug places the palm of his outstretched arm against the wall so that his wrist passes just near the girl’s ear and gets in her face. The girl tries to shrinks lower and squirms to avoid being directly in front of him. Tears stream down her face* Thug 3: Listen, bitch, you either start playin nice or we can do this a different way. Either way, we gettin somethin tonight. *The gang hoots and hollers in the background. Deair looks at the young girl against the wall crying, then to her friend who is also now quietly sobbing and shakes his head slowly. His boys are too engaged in their abuse to notice the look of consternation that unexpectedly, even for himself, crosses his face. The invisible stone mask he had been wearing for his entire conscious life seemed to fall to the ground and shatter. An unfamiliar tightness gripped Deair’s stomach and then his chest* Thug 4: Look what I got! *Thug 4 pulls a Velcro wallet out from the other girl’s purse, which she had hanging around her shoulder. He holds up the wallet proudly. The girl tries to grab at her wallet. But the thug moves his hand quickly taunting the teenage girl in the process* DS: ENOUGH! *All the thugs turn to him* That’s it. We done with these bitches. Why fuckin you with em anyways. This girl *points to the girl against the wall* lives in the neighborhood. Thug 4: Yo Savage, you betta slow your roll there. We know you tough, but you don’t call the shots. *Thug 4 begins to open the wallet, the loud CRUUUUNCH of the Velcro’s undoing amplified by the tension in the air. Before Thug 4 could open the wallet, Deair grabs the wallet out of Thug 4’s hand with lightening speed. So fast that Thug 4 is left looking at his empty, outstretched hand. The thug looks at his hand and then at Deair. His eyes fill with rage and his outstretched hand clenches into a fist. Thug 5, the apparent shot-caller, intervenes* Thug 5: Nah Nah, *To Deair* Joker is right, these hos on our turf. They gonna get taxed like everyone else. *Thug 5 prods a few thugs out of his way and confidently saunters over to the girl still trembling against the wall. He put his index and middle finger under her chin and lifts up her face. Two teary, mascara-stained eyes stare back at him petrified. He runs his hand down the girl’s cheek* Thug 5: Don’t you worry, girl, we’ll take gooood care of you. Why don’t you give me a kiss and we could forget about this whole mix-up, huh? Seeing as how you and your girl have been so rude to us and all. *Thug 5 puckers his lips and moves in for a kiss. The girl tries to turn her head to avoid the thug’s advance. She does not need to, however. Before the thug’s mouth could reach hers, it is met by the unforgiving right cross of Deair “King” Shaw!* POW! Thugs: WTF?!? *Deair steps in front of the girl, between her and slept thug on the ground, shielding her with his freakishly wide frame. The thugs converge. Deair lurches forward, head down, throwing wild haymakers. It’s not pretty…or technical, but doggonit, it’s effective. With each punch, thugs are thrown back and off to the sides until Deair stands alone at the center of the alley with thugs out cold or barely recovering all around him. The two girls stand hugging each other against the wall. Moments before Deair dispatches the last two thugs, a car speeds into the alley and makes a screeching halt in front of the group, the headlights illuminating the entire scene. Two athletically built men run to where the scuffle is ensuing. They reach it just as Deair throws his final punch. One of the men swiftly grabs Deair’s arm as he is pulling it back from the punch. The youth struggles for a second, but the man is able to skillfully maneuver the arm behind Deair’s back and slam him face-first against the brick wall. One of the girls jumps forward and grabs the man’s arm* Girl: Daddy, no! He helped us. He saved us from them!! *The man stares at the girl stunned for a second. It takes him a second to snap out of fight mode. “Oh!” he exclaims, wide-eyed, before slowly releases his grip on Deairs arm and swinging him around until they are facing each other. The man firm grabs Deair’s collar with one hand* Man: This guy?! *roughly poking Deair in the chest* This guy helped you? Girl: Yes, daddy, I’m telling you. His friends started messing with us and he…*Looks up at her father* he stood up for us. He fought them…he fought ALL of them. Man: *To Deair* You know, maybe I had you all wrong, son. *stretches out his hand…Deair shakes it* my name is Jackson Williams, I train and manage a few fighters at the gym down the street. No one big…yet. I’ve seen you around here, mostly causing trouble. By the looks of it, you can fight. Why don’t you come down to the gym and we’ll try you out. It’s the least I can do for you *puts his arm around his daughter’s shoulder* watching out for my little girl. *The girl steps forward from under her father’s arm towards Deair. She looks down at her feet and then up at him smiling shyly. The girl reaches out and takes one of Deair’s meaty hands in hers. Their eyes meet. Deair isn’t sure what is going on. He feels light-headed and nauseous. In a good way, if that’s possible. His stomach suddenly feels like it is full of butterflies and they are all singing harmoniously. Fireworks explode inside him. The girl’s hand feels warm and comforting. Like home.* Girl: *looking right into Deairs eyes* Thank you for helping us. My name’s Lucy. To be continued…

Arigatō

Media Scrum at SynCity Promotions Administrative Headquarters Las Vegas, Nevada Approx. 1:27 PM We open on a long rectangular building, several stories tall at the outskirts of Las Vegas. Glass covers the entire front of the building displaying the rapid movement of workers inside. Neatly manicured trees and brush line the front of the building. Adjacent to the front entrance is a large white sign displaying an immaculate SynCity Promotions Logo. A curious choice of Administrative Headquarters for the world’s MOST HYPED promotion, Synchronicity. Perhaps a bit reserved in the eyes of fans who may have been expecting a more flamboyant aesthetic. Make no mistakes about it though, this beehive of activity is truly where the magic happens. This is a place where lives are changed with the click of a mouse or a swipe of a pen. If you’re an MMA fighter, this is your Mecca. Outside of the building there is a media scrum with their microphones and cameras laying in wait to pounce on the next person who exits. Several news vans line the sidewalk in front of the building. Media attention is not at all unusual for Syn. However, this level of frenzied anticipation is a not the norm. Something is happening… Several black luxury vehicles with tinted windows pull up to the side entrance of the building, the VIP entrance. Designed to be away from the prying eyes of the news media. The vehicles pull up and stop, bumper-to-bumper, in rapid succession. The double doors of the VIP entrance burst open with a bang and an entourage emerges hastily. Recognizable figures: Matty Fernandez – Venerable owner of upstart CWMMA organization. Dressed more formally than usual in a business suit undoubtedly selected by Ms. Fernandez. Matty is at the helm of the group. He’s got minions and lackeys from CWMMA’s legal and accounting departments trying to get his attention while he attempts to make his way to the vehicle at the head of the line. He is clearly trying to avoid the press. John Wayne – CWMMA CEO and Matchmaker John Wayne is at Matty’s side. He also has several staffers nipping at him like chihuahuas. John looks to be reviewing a hefty ream of financial statements between strides. Vsevelod Kaufman – Kaufman is not present but has sent two emissaries and a team of bodyguards to round out the CWMMA troika. The contingent is led by his long-time attorney and spokesperson, Valentina Konstantinovna Kaminova and a junior associate. Interspersed through the group is a team of steely-eyed men showing no emotion. Their heads are on a swivel, constantly surveying the perimeter. This is not your average celebrity protection. These men come from military backgrounds that will never be declassified, because they never “existed.” If they had online dating profiles (which they don’t), the interests would say things like “taking orders” and “violence,” maybe “digging holes.” Immediately upon seeing the line of vehicles approaching, the media scrum swarms towards the VIP exit surrounding the entry way in seconds. Even some of these more rotund reporters can move quickly under the right circumstances. Matty and the team manage a few steps before ABC Sports Reporter Dick Bakeman sticks a fat microphone into his face. Out of nowhere. Before Bakeman is even able to utter a single syllable, one of Kaufman’s security enforcers lunges forward. Within 2 seconds, the microphone is on the ground, camera lens is shattered, and the bodyguard has ABC’s Dick Bakeman in a standing Ezekiel choke. The much taller bodyguard has Bakeman lifted 10 inches off of the ground. Caught by surprise like everyone else, Bakeman’s eyes are bugging out of his head and he is making gurgling noises, as a forearm collapses his windpipe. At the same instant, as if on cue, the rest of the security detail surrounds the media scrum and takes a ready position. Each with a hand resting near holsters on their hip, ready to engage their sidearms. Matty and much of the team outside of Kaufman’s emissaries are stunned at the sudden and flagrantly disproportionate escalation. Matty Fernandez: Whoa Whoa, Killer. They’re just doing their jobs. Matty starts to reach over to remove the bodyguard from Bakeman, but changes his mind. The bodyguard seems to be in a trance-like state. He maintains his hold despite shrieks of bystanders. Matty: Valentina, make him stop! Call back your dogs. Matty shakes his head in disbelief and is heard muttering under his breath “what is wrong with these people?” Пернелл! Отставить!! (PERNELL! AS YOU WERE!) Valentina’s voice is bold. Yet, she doesn’t shout. Valentina Konstantinova isn’t the type of women to shout. Her abrupt and powerful cadence does the job just a fine. Within a millisecond of the orders issuance Pernell releases Bakeman, who drops to the floor whimpering and heaving to catch his breath. Pernell recedes into entourage. In rapid-fire succession, Valentina issues another order. Вольно! (AT EASE) In unison, the rest of the security team remove their hands from near their holsters and relax ever-so-slightly. Their shoulders slouch just a tad. The movements are so instinctual that they are only even noticeable to the most experienced observer. Another reporter steps up into the place of the shaken Dick Bakeman and careful extends a bright yellow mic towards Matty. Jarmo Santennen: Hello, Matty, this is Jarmo Santennen with Helsingin Sanomat. At the outset I have to say, Matty. This (Jarmo points to the security at the permitter) is very alarming. I think I speak for much of my colleagues when I say, we felt like we were on positive terms with you. What happened here is very inappropriate. Matty: Thank you, Jarmo. I apologize to the fans. Dick, please forgive us on behalf of Pernell. I have to be honest, I’m not really sure what this is all about. We invited Kaufman. As usual he sent Valentina Konstantinova. This time, he sent something extra. I couldn’t tell you why. I want to be perfectly clear, CWMMA is a totally legitimate business. You can check yourselves, as I’m sure you have, we have all of our paperwork in order. Every fight we have is sanctioned and everyone is paid on time, every time. One more thing and no offense to parties present, Kaufman doesn’t run this show. We have engaged Kaufman’s organization to run media and public relations, that’s it. We don’t even have security outside of our standard event security, because we don’t need it. It’s just not that kind of organization. Okay, we’re in a hurry. Jarmo, you can get one more and then it’s wheels up back to Helsinki. Jarmo: The reason we are here today, Matty. There are all kinds of rumors swirling. We are getting tips that you have some sort of major announcement for us. Would you like to make the announcement now? Matty Fernandez: I’m going to put these rumors to bed RIGHT NOW! There is NO major announcement. Now OR forthcoming! Chuck W94 was gracious enough to invite us to Las Vegas for a cup of tea, we accepted the invitation and now we’re here. See, that’s all. That’s the big news is: We drank tea. If you want to write about something, we’ve got our first event, A NEW DAWN on Saturday. Keep an eye out, there will be a press conference mid-week to discuss that. Ok, Jarmo. Hope you got what you needed. Folks, we’ve got a long flight ahead of us. See you back in Helsinki. On the jet some hours later. Valentina Konstantinova is at the bar in the back of the jet refilling her vodka (neat, in case you were wondering). Much of the other passengers are either asleep or full engaged in their work. Matty pulls up along-side Valentina and squeezes in next to her so they are almost face-to-face. Valentina, we talked about this up front. Your people gave me assurances they said came straight from Kaufman that is would not be an issue. We run an MMA promotion. That’s it. Nothing else. I don’t give a flying fuck what else Kaufman has going on. I don’t want to hear about oil and gas pipelines, media channels, exotic animals, and whatever else you guys are cooking over there. The underground life is in the past. I’m married with kids now. I don’t need your goons pulling their weapons every time a reporter asks a question. It’s bad for business, plain and simple. Meester Feernandez, I must correct you. Pernell did not draw his weapon. I don’t give a shit if he drew a fucking bunny rabbit! He nearly killed an ABC reporter. Now we’re going to have to give Bakeman some scoops…or something, so that ABC doesn’t sue. I’m serious, Valentina, no more of this shit. Do I make myself clear? Vee vill see, Meester Feernandez, vee vill see.

Sergei Blumm Joins the Job Squad Scene opens at Navy Street MMA. A bustling gym located in Venice, California. The gym is at about 65% capacity with everyone having ample space to work out with their teams on the excellent-quality equipment. In the back corner of the gym is Rock-A-Fella FC lightweight fighter Sergei “Sad Face” Blumm. Blumm is shadow boxing in front of a large heavy bag, but instead of punching the bag, he is allowing the bag to hit him in the face each time it swings in his direction. Blumm is essentially face-butting the bag, letting out a loud “Ommf” every time the bag connects. Besides the heavy bag, stands a colossal, bald-headed goon. The goon is barking instructions at Blumm in an Eastern European language. The buzzer sounds signaling to the fighters the start of their 30-second break. Sergei, clearly frustrated, throws his hands in the air, exclaiming to the goon “What is this training? This isn’t striking defense!” The goon stares down at Sergei annoyed. Blumm gets the hint, shakes his head, and goes back to the bag The buzzer sounds. Blumm takes a deep breath and resumes faceplanting himself into the heavy punching bag. A few feet away from Sad Face’s workout area, a cadre of oddly shaped men and women are in the process of an “unorthodox” workout. They are being led by a bulky man, just over 6 ft. in height. He’s got long hair tied up in a pony tail and black-rimmed glasses. The gray lightly sprinkled in his hair and goatee are the only tells that he has advanced into middle age. The man pulls out his phone and films their “workout.” The odd bunch lines up, each with a folding chair. A chubby midget with a mullet haircut and NASCAR t-shirt emerges to the front of the pack. One by one, his cohorts proceed to smash him over the head, back, and face with their folding chairs. The portly midget takes the shots surprisingly well, prancing about from chair shot to chair shot like a sleep-walking toddler. The round-ending buzzer sounds once again. The chair shots cease. On his end, Blumm removes his face from the bag. He sits down glumly on a chair against the wall next to the bag, resting his elbows on his knees with his head in his palms. He looks sad. Even for sad face. The man leading the workout next to them walks over. “Hey buddy, what’s wrong?” Blumm looks up at him and signs deeply. “I think my career is over. Look, they are having me train to take punches I’m supposed to be training to give punches. Now the Kaufman lawyers sent me this fight and I don’t know if I can even compete with this guy. He’s got way more experience, even though he’s a few years younger.” The man looks Sergei Blumm up and down with a knowing smile. “I know exactly how you feel. Hey, my name’s Allen. Most people know me as Al. You’re Sergei Blumm, aren’t you. I caught the highlights of a Rock-A-Fella FC card recently. Tough break there on that decision.” Blumm looks up at Al confused. He then turns his head towards Al's work out area, where the midget is now cleaning blood pouring out his ear. “Nice to meet you, Al. No offense, but what do you know about how I feel. And what is this training you are doing. This is worse than the “striking defense” Slava has me doing.” Sergei motions over to the goon, who remains emotionless. Al smiles, “You must not be a professional wrestling fan. Most people familiar with pro wrestling know me as Al Snow. Trust me, I’ve been in your shoes before. Sometimes in MMA, just like pro wrestling you need to take one for the team. In wrestling we call it “jobbing.” You know ahead of time you’re going to lose, but you go out there and you put on a show.” Sergei shakes his head in disbelief, “Lose? On purpose?? And you know ahead of time. How could you agree to this???” Al Snow acknowledges Sergei’s point with a nod, and continues… “I get what you’re saying. You sound like you’ve never heard of pro wrestling at all. It’s not exactly like MMA. Let me tell you a little story. I started wrestling back in 1982. For more than 10 years, I plugged away on the regional circuit hoping to get a chance at the bigtime, the WWF. That would be like you getting a contract with the top promotion in the world, Synchronicity. I had brief stints where I got called up, but it didn’t stick. Until 1998. I got another callback from the WWF. I created a gimmick where I was a “jobber” and had a stable called “The Job Squad.” I was going through some shit at the time. But I’ll tell ya, that was when the fans really started to recognize me. I even got to compete for the Hardcore Championship Belt at WrestleMania.” As Al tells the story, Sergei’s eyes narrow in confusion at various points. As Al takes a breath,Sergei pipes in, “Now I’m really confused. You became successful in the WWF by…losing?” Al Snow picks up where he left off… “I’m getting to that, kid. Here’s what you gotta realize. It’s not always about you. Sometimes it takes putting others over, to get ahead. As Dwayne used to say back in the day, ‘you better know your role…and shut your mouth.’ Think about it from the promotor’s perspective, there are only so many fighters in each weight class they can book. Sometimes the match-ups can go your way, sometimes they don’t. In wrestling, sometimes the angle just goes over better when you lose. Now, think about how frustrated you would be if you couldn’t get a fight. That’s where your opponent may be at right now. In pro wrestling, when you lose, you can “put over” the other guy. That means you make them look good and make fans believe their character. That’s the key, Sergei. You do it for the fans. The fans don’t care who wins or loses. They pay their hard-earned money to see YOU put on a show. And hey, you probably get a couple bucks in the process too. You see what I’m saying, son?” Sergei nods slowly as he absorbs Al’s wise words. Still unconvinced, he pulls out his phone from the duffel bag underneath his chair. “Ok, I hear you, Mr. Al. It just seems unfair. This is the guy they want me to fight.” He clicks a few times and presents the phone to Al, who looks it over. Al glances up at Sergei and shrugs, “I mean, it doesn’t look great for you on paper. You just gotta go in there and fight like hell. Give it your best and leave it all out there. You’re a pro fighter, time to sack up and do your job. Even if that means being a “jobber” for now…Shit, I haven’t even gotten to the point of the story yet and the round is about to start.” Al’s eyes meet Sergei’s and he places his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “The bottom line is, I’ve been in the pro wrestling business for 38 years. Even though I jobbed matches here and there, and had the “Job Squad” gimmick, no one that knows a damn thing remembers me as a jobber. If you talk to people who know pro wrestling, I have one of the most impressive careers out there. You keep your head down and train hard, you’ll get there one day too. Now, quit your bitching and hit accept already. Also, I got something for you.” Al walks over to his area and digs in his stuff. After digging through his gear for a moment, he pulls out a ratty t-shirt that has to be at least 20 years old. He takes a few steps towards Sergei, and tosses him the shirt. “Welcome to the Squad, kid. I think you need this more than I do” Sad Face catches it and holds it up in front of him. Sergei “Sad Face” Blumm folds the t-shirt and sticks it into his bag. He takes a deep breath and clicks “Accept” to the fight offer. Just as he does, the buzzer sounds and a new round begins.

yes, more options good.

I don' t know where I am or how I got here. But this is the funniest fucking thread on these forums.

CAGE WARRIORS MMA: A NEW DAWN PRE-FIGHT PRESS EVENT PART TWO MF: Welcome back. We want to give a big shout-out to Ken Enlow and Helsinki Xtreme Fightwear. That was quite an experience. We were originally told they were just going to come hand out t-shirts and do some sort of raffle. Well, they outdid themselves. Right, guys? We going to show them some love? *Encourages the crowd, who respond accordingly with voracious applause* I’m sure they appreciate you slapping your hands together, but sending your applause in the form of cold hard cash will help keep HXF the leading fightwear company in the north. But ehh can we get someone clean the Zebra dung from the corner there *points to steaming pile of zebra shit in the back corner of the room* What are we waiting for? Get the next round of warriors out here, announcer. Announcer: Please help us welcome the following Cage Warriors! Fighting out of Las Vegas…“Tooorden” Thoooorvaald Naaaanseen Fighting out of Sydney…Viiictoor “Maaadd Dooggg” Coooontreeeiras Fighting out of Helsinki…Floookii Maaaaagnussooon Fighting out of Los Angeles…Maaaatteoo “Caaabroon” Saaancheeezz *The fighters walk out single file. This foursome is looking rather crowded as we are moving up the weight divisions. Thorvald Nansen is in full Viking attire and is carrying a full-sized battle axe which he is swinging with no regard for humans, walls, or furniture. Meanwhile, Floki Magnusson is looking annoyed as usual, still incensed that he was duped into attending the press conference voluntarily. Magnusson is sporting a Charleston Chiefs hockey jersey and he’s got a hockey puck in his hand. “Mad Dog” Contreiras is bouncing up and down like an oversized tennis ball. He lets out growls and barks every few seconds as he walks out. Matteo Sanchez rounds out the bunch. He struts out like he is the cock of the walk, smiling and waving to his fans, which somehow materialized as soon as his name was called. There is a particularly vocal row of female fans sporting low-cut “Cabron Nation” t-shirts letting out shrieks as if they had just seen a mouse run between them, the most attractive mouse they had ever seen. The fighters find their way to their seats and take a few moments to get sorted out, each flaring their elbows and jostling for dominant position at their respective tables* MF: *Looks at each of the fighters* Are we ready, guys? Before we start the questions. A few logistical things to note. We were expecting Terrance “Rhyno” Gerin, but we have been notified by his camp that he has sustained a minor injury wherein his moustache got caught in mesh fencing that he was installing in his chicken coop and then he was attacked by several territorial hens. We have been in touch with his medical team and while he did suffer facial lacerations, we expect that he will be fully recovered and ready to compete come fight night. We have another no-show today. We actually *reaches into inside chest pocket of his jacket* got a note from *opens note* Da Two’s wife. Let’s see what it says. *reading* “Mr. Fernandez, please excuse Da from the press conference. He is very sorry he forgot he had to clean the garage today and regrettably will not be attending.” *Matty puts note back in his pocket* I guess we know who to talk to next time we need Da Two somewhere. We’ve got a ragtag bunch up here. Who wants to ask the first question? *Jenkins Jennson jumps up and down in his chair* JJ: Me…meee! I’ve got one!! *Matty scans the crowd trying to find another reporter with a question not named Jenkins. To no avail* MF: *takes a deep breath* Fine…Ok go ahead ask your question, sparky. JJ: Victor *Victor Contreiras lets out a loud bark* They call you “Mad Dog,” but you’ve won your last 3 fights and now, you have a contract with a real organization. Why you still mad? Victor “Mad Dog” Contreiras: I’ll be honest with you, I couldn’t find a way to properly fit my dick in my cup, and that bothers me between fights, makes me mad, you know, have to end it quickly. I’ve been working on that with my team and I think we’ll find a way to solve this soon. MF: That sounds extremely uncomfortable, Victor. For everyone’s sake I hope you are successful. Tim, you have one for Victor while he’s up? TC: As Jenkins mentioned you are currently on a 3-fight win streak, but that was the QFC. Everyone knows it’s full of tomato cans, ladyboys, and losers. Your opponent, Terrance “Rhyno” Gerin, showed a strong clinch game in his last fight. Is your clinch better? You prepared to go on record here to say his is weak? Mad Dog: *looking maniacal...and mad* I mean, I wouldn’t try to take it to clinch streets with me. That is…if you’re looking to survive more time. I come from a small and old school place in Brazil, I use to brawl in some parties and used to be the nowadays Mad Dog at freestyle mode in the streets. After I came to Sydney thankfully able to put my mind back at place some big spars at the best gym in the business, evolving together with Ronaldo who’s a very close guy to me, he’s a beast learner of the game, so much talent, pushes you up. I’ve been sparring a lot; we have a couple of guys at top 5 orgs in the world at the gym. Speaking of, I want to take a moment to shout out the guys at Memento Mori. The whole team there, solid job being done in the last months, world class. MF: If you enjoy Muay Thai, you simply can’t miss Mad Dog versus Rhyno only at CWMMA A New Dawn. Let’s keep the questions coming. Vernita, you have your hand raised. VP: Thorvald, your opponent Da Two decided not to show tonight. His wife sent a note for him. How embarrassing. Any comment? “Torden” Thorvald Nansen: *Smirks arrogantly and lets out a roaring laugh* HAHAHA! Da Two is a Chump. He will be a foot note in the history of my career soon enough. I’m better than Da Two in every way. I’m going to show that at A New Dawn! VP: Follow up for you, Torden. You and you entourage are dressed as Vikings, apparently you were able to get your gear through the airport, unlike Saint George, what gives? Are you claiming to be a present-day Viking or something? *Nansen raises his battle axe above his head and brings the butt of the handle down on the table with a deafening thud. As he does, his supporters in audience let out a series of roaring chants answering his call. Torden lets out another booming laugh* Torden: It is true that I'm of Viking ancestry. As for my entourage they're all savages as well. *the savages roar as their leader recognizes them* My first step towards greatness will be claiming the CWMMA 155 lb belt. My end goal is to become the #1 P4P fighter in the world just like my grandfather, "Thunder" Tor Nansen (1768) MMA's first #1 P4P fighter. MF: *to himself but heard on the mic* Where does John Wayne find these guys? Truly magnificent. *In normal voice* Who’s up? Tim “The Instigator” Collins: I’ll bite. Matteo, Floki had some choice words for you recently. He’s sitting right there, just a few feet away from you *points to Magnusson who scowls back* You want to respond? Matteo “Cabron” Sanchez: Let me hear you, Cabron Nation! *Matteo’s mostly female cheering section respond jubilantly* Hahaha *Cabron smiles widely and confidently, and looks at Floki on the other side of the table* FLU-KE wants to talk about the greats. the dude has only had one fight against an 18-year-old, what would he know about being great. Well at least I can give him a first-person view of someone who is on his way to being legendary, MATTEO 'CABRON' SANCHEZ. *Crowd responds in vocal agreement* TC: Floki, he just said you know nothing about greatness? Are you just going to let him say that to you? Floki Magnusson: *Looks at Tim Collins with annoyance* I’ll sit here because KAUFMAN’s people say I have to, but I’ve already said all I have to say about that pumped up clown *As he says pumped up, Sanchez dramatically flexes his bicep eliciting a burst from the audience drowning out the remainder of Floki’s answer* TC: Listen to that, Floki. He’s got all the ladies cheering for him. You afraid he’s going to win the fight AND take your girl? Floki: *Shakes his head* You reporters will never learn, will you. *Floki brings to view the hockey puck he’s been holding in his hand* Don’t worry, eh. I’ll teach you. *Floki hurls the puck at Collins missing him barely, but knocking a severely obese, bespectacled man eating from a family-sized sour patch kids box and wearing a Kings Gaming t-shirt, clear off of his chair* You have any more questions, Collins? *Tim “The Instigator” Collins shakes his head “no” rather convincingly* Matilda Virtennen: Hullo, it’s me Matilda again. I just have a question for, Mr. Sanchez. MF: Well for fucks sakes, Mati, ask already. MV: Mr. Sanchez *blushes* how do you uhhh stay so fit? MCS: *Stands up, poses, and flexes to the approval of his groupies* Hahaha, very good question, Mati. I can always show you some exercises in private. Haha, but let me be real with me people for a second. Diet is so important. I want to thank Jared Hicks at Finnish Elite Extreme Science for his quality products. You want to look like me, look them up. Tell him Matteo sent you. Can’t forget about training. My training has been great, huge shout out to my Manager Gunner Pleysa and the guys at Panda Sprawl and Brawl. MF: *Looks at his knock-off Rolex watch* I think it’s time for our next round of warriors. Announcer: Please help us welcome the following Cage Warriors! Fighting out of Las Vegas…Riku "The Noble" Nobunaga Fighting out of Helsinki…Paaaullloooo Maaaaldiiiiiiiiniiiii Fighting out of Los Angeles…Maaaarrioooo Thoooommaassss Fighting out of Los Angeles…Craaazzyyyyy Legs *The fighters march out on cue Crazy Legs is about a head taller than Riku and Mario. These fighters are clearly more professional than the circus CWMMA fans witnessed earlier. They each shake hands with Matty and then with each other. The audience pays close mind to the interaction between Crazy Legs and Riku Nobunaga, perhaps hoping fight day will come sooner. To no avail, the fighters greet each other casually and exchange nominal pleasantries. Matty gets it started* MF: Now, before we throw some questions to these fine lads one quick note. I’m sure you will notice Paulo Maldini is missing. We want to assure you that everything is OK and he is healthy. He alerted us a few days ago that there was a pizza-making accident in his home and the brick-oven maintenance technician is scheduled to arrive between 7 AM and 4:42 PM today, rendering him incapable of participating in this event. We wish him and his brick-oven the best of luck and I’m sure he’ll be in top form come the 24th. We are ready for the first question now. Kale “The Legend” Suanders: Riku and Crazy Legs, I’m absolutely pumped about your coming match. You men are both BJJ brown belts AND you can both wrestle. You don’t need to give away any secrets, but how will you be approaching this match-up from that perspective? Crazy, why don’t you start and we’ll hear from Riku next. Crazy Legs: *pulls the mic a bit closer to his face and looks at The Legend* Thanks for the question, Legend. Here’s the thing. I'm bringing more than just BJJ to the mat. I have tricks up my sleeve for whatever position I find myself in. Training has been top notch. As you probably know, I'm running a closed camp right now, so I'm gonna keep my tactics to myself. Just know that come fight night, you're going to see a world class competitor perform under the lights. The Legend: I can imagine both of you will have some tricks up your sleeve given your abilities. Riku, same question. And talk with us a little bit about how your father’s legacy factors in here. You mentioned in your interview on Warrior Talk that he inspired you to start fighting. Riku “The Noble” Nobunaga: Even though our belt color is the same, I'm a different beast than he is. My IQ is too much for him to handle. We’ve been watching tape and we know how to handle Crazy. Training has been very good. Our camp is doing everything and it's paying off. We're currently working on some circuits to solidify my conditioning. As for my father’s legacy, it’s long gone. Now it’s time to build my own legacy. Does that cover it, Legend? The Legend: Thanks, Riku. And good luck to both of you on the 24th. Vernita Perkins: Your opponent, Paulo Maldini landed 100% of his strikes in his last fight. That’s 122 head punches, body punches, and combos. How will you respond to that kind of accuracy? Mario Thomas: Impressive numbers and it's true, I have never faced a striker of his caliber but that is part of the excitement here. He has an impressive height advantage and that gives him a bit of an edge if he goes that counter punching route, as he has been prone to doing. I will need to work on my head movement, but if you look at the numbers, my defense is pretty solid in itself. VP: Follow up to that, Mario. You and your opponent seem to have very similar attributes, especially in boxing and wrestling – why are you the better fighter? MT: He's a bit older and has a lot of experience but I have a great team behind me getting prepared for this fight. Planning and preparation is what I have, so I can only hope I deliver on that. Matilda Virtennen: For all three fighters. You all have several fights, so this isn’t going to be your first walk to the cage. Thinking beyond this card, what do you hope to achieve in the CWMMA and beyond? CL: I plan on winning the title here, proving I'm the best 205 pounder in this org. Then I’ll go abroad and fight the best fighters in the world. The Noble: I wanna be the first champ of CWMMA and bring an honor to the Nobunaga family. MT: Not one to look beyond my next fight in Paulo Maldini. He will be my toughest challenge yet and I hope I can earn a victory, and make a case that I can be in the mix for a title if CWMMA goes that route. I want to be the Champion here and take this organization to the next level. Matty Fernandez: It looks like we have some Warriors in it for the long-haul. That’s what I like to hear. If our fighters grow, Cage Warriors MMA will grow and vice versa. Of course, we’ve got TWO men here – Riku and Crazy, who want ONE belt. We’ll have to wait and see who gets to it first. Alright Tim, you can ask your question. But be careful, we did not have the funds to hire enough security to protect you from these animals. Tim “The Instigator” Collins: Like Matty said - Two men, one belt. But Riku and Crazy seem pretty relaxed about the whole thing. Now, I don’t mean to stir the pot here. But I heard you joking around backstage about the origins of your name, Crazy Legs. So, what is the origin. CL: *Laughs* The origin of my name Hahah *leans into the mic* Ask Riku’s mother! *The crowd reacts to the insult* MF: Ok guys *looks over to Riku on one side and Crazy on the other* Let’s keep it civil. CL: Haha you guys know I’m just messing around. *Looks to Riku* I mean, I have a lot of respect for you, Riku. Your're tough, but I'm tougher. Bring your "A" game or else I'll pop you like a zit. *The crowd focuses their attention to Riku for his response. Riku is unsure of whether to be pissed or amused, but isn’t showing it* The Noble: *Looks at Crazy Legs on the other side of the podium* BRING IT! *The crowd cheers with excitement* MF: That’s what I’m talking about folks. THIS is the energy I’m looking for. *crowd cheers* A New Dawn is going to be wild! *crowd erupts yet again. Matty waits a moment for it to die down* It looks like we don’t have any more questions for these guys. We’ve now reached our main event. I’ll burst your bubble ahead of time, folks. Number one ranked fighter Al Barru is not with us tonight. It turns out there was a scheduling miscommunication within Al’s team. They thought the press conference was LAST week and they showed up at the Helsinki Micro Arena in their most elegant fineries. Well, last week the Helsinki Micro Arena was holding the Finnish National Ballroom Dancing Competition. Wouldn’t you know it, Al Barru entered…and won! This week we have been told that he is actually under contract to compete in the Scandinavian Ballroom Dancing Finals. For those of you who follow the intensely competitive world of ballroom dancing, the Scandinavian Finals are a significant climb in competition from the Finnish Nationals. Good luck to Al Barru and his dance partner, his cutman, Georgio. Who knew Georgio could move like that. Announcer: Please help us welcome the following MAIN EVENT Cage Warrior! Fighting out of New York…Saaammmm “The Saaaaaaaaaalltttt” Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllltttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr. MF: *to the announcer* Just one notch lower, mate. We don't want you blowing out your vocal cords BEFORE a NEW Dawn. *Sam Salter walks out. He looks primed and ready to fight. Sam is wearing jeans and a t-shirt with something BJJ-related on it. He has brown belt tied around his waist. The crowd welcomes Salter vociferously, many recognizing him from his appearance on CWMMA Warrior Facts and subsequent re-broadcast in the Tycoon Times, MMA’s top news source. Salter, unsure of exactly how to handle this new found adulation shuffles towards Matty where they engage in pleasantries, a hand shake, and half-hug. Mugging for the photographers clicking away from just in front of the table. They walk over and take a photo in front of the A New Dawn Poster. An aide brings a cardboard cutout of Al Barru into the photo for effect, but it keeps falling over. Finally, enough photographs are taken and the men return to their appropriate press conference positions. Matty at the helm and Sam seated next to the podium* MF: Settle down, guys. I can see we have a bunch of questions for Sam. We’ve got time for a few as I have some…time-sensitive domestic issues…I need to deal with. Vernita Perkins: You are matched up against the number one ranked fighter in the promotion in Al Barru. Do you feel pressure from this and if so, how have you dealt with it? Sam “The Salt” Salter: There really is no pressure heading into this one, I know that if I go out there and perform, I can beat any man. All the pressure is on him, as he’s heading into the fight as number one. *Two reporters start asking a question concurrently, it’s “The Legend” Kale Saunders and Tim “The Instigator” Collins. Old rivals in the Oklahoma High School wrestling circuit* The Instigator: Hey, it’s my question Kale. Hey uhh, have you lost weight? You’re looking a little small. The Legend: That’s odd, Tim, because that's not what your wife told me last night… *The Instigator starts to respond, but The Legend interrupts* The Legend: …AND this morning. Now, shut the hell up or I’ll pin you in 4 seconds like I did in the semifinals in ’67. *The Legend and The Instigator slowly start to rise in their chairs in anticipation of making their way towards one another* MF: HEY, come on now. I’m on a schedule here *points to his watch* Ms. Fernandez doesn’t like to be kept waiting. *At the utterance of “Ms. Fernandez” Kale and Tim both immediately put their butts back in their chairs as if they had just been reprimanded by their schoolteacher* MF: Legend, I saw your hand up first. Nothing personal, Collins. Go for it, Legend. The Legend: Alright. Sam, Al Barru isn’t only ranked number one. He comes into this match with some clear-cut advantages. How do you plan to overcome Al’s advantage in Muay Thai and Boxing, coupled with his reach? The Salt: I have been putting in a lot of work on my striking trying to close that gap of my game, other than that I of course continue my BJJ training as I want to make sure my reflexes are sharp and ready for anything. We all know he has the advantage on the feet. It’s also no secret that I plan to go out there, get on the inside, drag him to the ground, grab one of those long limbs, rip it off, and take it home for my trophy case. MF: That’s disgusting. Next question. Vernita. VP: What is your goal in CWMMA and beyond? The Salt: I plan to get that belt and hold onto it. I want to become the greatest fighter in the world. *leans down into the mic for emphasis* Al Barru, your hype train is about to be derailed. You better enjoy being number one while you can, because it’s about to come to an end! MF: Any final thoughts for us, Sam? The Salt: You know, Matty. I’m just excited to be here. Looking forward to the card. The support I’ve received has been incredible. I just want to give a shout out to my fight team at PEAK MMA and, of course, my fans. *crowd responds* MF: That’ll do it for us tonight, folks. Make sure you tune in to CWMMA: A New Dawn, right around the corner on October 24th. Put it on your calendars, set your alarms, this is going to be the most exhilarating night in combat sports historyever! Now, I gotta go. *Matty grabs his flask and phone and speed walks towards the side door exit* FADE TO BLACK

KAUFMAN is hiring an EDITOR Job Description - Assist with editing and formatting writing. I send you clean (unformatted) version with formatting instructions for various outlets like forum, Tycoon Times (they will be consistent), you add in formatting and send back to me. Easy. - Compile stats on fighters, managers, companies. This will be only on occasion. - Input data into graphics. Think previews, reviews, etc. No graphic design needed, unless you want to assist with that. Just being able to enter text and photos into pre-made templates. Remuneration We can negotiate arrangements to include some or all of the following: - Weekly retainer - Percentage per writeup edited - Bonus structure - VIP time Advancement If you have any interest in potentially writing for an org, but are concerned you don't have the skills or knowledge. This is a good opportunity for you. We can work together to get you to the level. KAUFMAN has many media outlets for you to hone your skills. If you have the talent and drive, KAUFMAN will commission you for freelance assignments to supplement the compensation options above. Contact: KAUFMAN Human Resources

CAGE WARRIORS MMA: A NEW DAWN PRE-FIGHT PRESS EVENT *Scene opens in a large rectangular with a high ceiling. A conference room at the Helsinki Micro Arena. Against the wall on the long side of the room is a backdrop with alternating squares displaying logos for Cage Warriors MMA and Helsinki Xtreme Fightwear. Directly in front of the backdrop is a long table draped with a black cloth. In the middle stands a podium emblazoned with the CWMMA logo and a mic fixed to the top. The long table holds two white placards on each side of the podium and small mic behind each. Reporters, fight teams, seedy characters, groupies, and random onlookers are seated in rows of folding chairs in front of the table and backdrop. There are several photographers milling around in front of the table. The media is seated conveniently in the front few rows. They are engaged in a mix of either pounding the screens of their smart phone devices or reviewing their paper notepads, for the more seasoned members of the press corp. The camera is centered on the table and podium. The murmur of small talk hushes as an announcer’s voice is heard* Announcer: Now presenting, the owner of Cage Warriors MMA…Matty Fernaaandeeeez. *The mishmash behind the rows of media applauds politely. A few whistles pierce the air. Matty Fernandez emerges from the door at the corner of the room, adjacent to where one end of the backdrop begins. He takes his time walking along one end of the table until he reaches the podium, stopping a few times to acknowledge the crowd. There is a palatable feeling of excitement and anticipation in the air as the audience eagerly await for Matty to open CWMMA’s first ever pre-fight press conference. Upon arriving at the podium, Matty takes his time adjusting the microphone. He is dressed in a business casual style with dark jeans, a tucked-in shirt with the first two top buttons undone, and a sports coat. In an apparent attempt to be “smooth” Matty casually reaches into the inside chest pocket of his coat, “swiftly” removes a small flask, and places it on the inside of the lectern. He then takes his cell phone out of his back pocket and places it on the lectern directly in front of him. He surveys the audience and allows a few extra seconds for the moment to sink in* Matty Fernandez: Welcome to Cage Warriors MMA! I am Matty Fernandez and I am so excited to welcome each and every one of you who joined us here in person and also those *looks into middle camera* who are joining us on TV and streaming. This really is a momentous occasion, it is our first press conference for our first ever card, CWMMA: A New Dawn. *The audience behind the rows of media erupt in a jovial cheer* MF: *Smiles widely and acknowledges cheers* Thank you. Believe me, I’m just as excited as you are. Here is how we will proceed with today’s festivities. We will bring out four fighters at a time *looks from one end of table to the other and then at crowd* because with the size of some of these fellas, that’s all we have space for, and we will take questions. Now, I have to warn the media, we have had issues with *clears his throat* animosity towards reporters in the past. So just consider that before you decide to get cheeky with one of our guys again. Let’s try to keep it professional on both ends, shall we? Now, let’s get on with our first four warriors! Are we ready?! *Crowd lets out a vocal, but muted cheer* MF: No, that’s not going to pass muster, guys. This is Cage Warriors MMA. Let the world hear us. ARE YOU READY!?!? *Crowd goes WILD. Matty basks in it for several drawn out seconds and then puts his palm up and the cheers begin to subside* Announcer: Please help us welcome the following Cage Warriors! These next three fighters are based right here in Helsinki. Fighting out of right here in Helsinki: …Duuuustin Sleeeeeth …Paaatryk Miiiikolaaaajzyk …William “Boozer” Gray… And fighting out of Los Angeles, California…Eeeeden “Goold Fist” Taaaiiiihhh *As the announcer reads the names, Dustin Sleeth and William Gray file out and walk over to their chairs on opposite ends of the podium, they shake hands with Matty and take their seats. Matty looks around and then stretches over the podium to get a better view at the door. A young aide scurries over and whispers something in Matty’s ear. Matty looks at her and nods* MF: Welcome Dustin and William. Gentlemen, good to see both of you. I have been informed that your opponents have decided to bypass the press conference. Apparently, it is not in fighter contracts to appear at press events. *The fighters on stage look around surprised. A few people in the audience, realizing they don’t actually have to be there, get up and walk out* MF: *annoyed* I’m going to be having some serious conversations with my lawyers. Someone shat the bed on this one, I’m afraid. Let’s get to the questions, whose first? Vernita? Go ahead. Vernita Perkins: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I had a question ready, but I’m going to ask this one to both of you instead. Your opponents decided not to show up today. Do you think they’re scared? *There is a momentary silence* Dustin Sleeth: *pulls mic closer to his face* I guess I’ll start. I’m not going to comment on whether or not he is scared. Here’s what I think of him. *Dustin slaps placard the placard next to him with Patryk Mikolajczyk’s name on it causing it to fall off the table on to the floor* I’ve been waiting for this my whole life, he’s just a stepping stone to the belt. William “Boozer” Gray: Los Angeles is a long way from Helsinki so maybe he got caught in traffic or something. I think he better stay put where he’s at. All respect to you, Eden, but I don’t think you have a chance in this fight. MF: Okay, who’s got the next question? Oh, we’ve got “The Legend” Kale Suanders in the house. Sir, the floor is yours. “The Legend” Kale Suanders: Hey Matty, great to be here. This one is for both fighters as well. When you look at your opponents in this fight what do you view as your strengths? DS: Wow, Mr. Suanders. I used to watch you as a kid. I remember that time you fought in the Kumite in Hong Kong and beat Chong Li, that was crazy. We had to find a bootleg VHS to see that one. To answer your question, my grappling is much better than his. If I can get him down, he will go out. The Legend: Thanks, kid. Go ahead, Boozer. WBG: *Looks over to Dustin Sleeth* Hey I’m going to need to borrow that Kumite tape. When it comes to advantages in this fight…I can be with him anywhere. On the ground, or on the feet. Doesn't matter, I can take him anywhere. The Legend: Follow up for you, Will. Given your Muay Thai, are you going to be trying to close the distance with Eden in this fight? WBG: Yes, I’m going to KO him. MF: Thank you for those questions, Legend. Feel free to just pipe in any time. No need to raise your hand like the rest of these amateurs. Alright, oh hey, we’ve got new reporter Matilda Virtennen. Mati, you want to ask a question? *Matilda mumbles indiscernibly* MF: Mati, use your big girl voice. We need you to speak right into the mic. Matilda Virtennen: *yelling* THANK YOU! Ok uhh this is our…your first fights in the CWMMA? What are your goals for the future? WBG: I want to have great fights here at CWMMA and maybe even fight for the belt at some time here. DS: I want to build my legacy and be the best champion in history! MF: Great job, guys. Let’s give it up for Dustin Sleeth and William “Boozer” Gray. *Crowd cheers as Dustin and William join their teams seated at various parts of the room* Announcer: Please help us welcome the following Cage Warriors! Fighting out of London…”Siir” Saaaaint Geeeooorrrrge Fighting out of Las Vegas…Chrriiiistopher “Knuuuckleess” Nollaaaan. Fighting out of New York…”Unnngaaart” EeeLLL IsoooooG Finally, let’s welcome hometown hero, based in Helsinki…Leeeevi “Stooones” Saaarrrrooos *The fighters shuffle out and take their seats. Saint George is conspicuously missing from the foursome* MF: Good to see you all here, Warriors. We were notified earlier that Saint George would not be able to join us today. It appears that him and his team do not travel without their full knight’s regalia, including full body armor and swords. Someone did not fill out the requisite paperwork, and well, they got jammed up at Heathrow. I assure you, folks, they are getting better at this. There are rumors that for one of his amateur fights, Saint George’s cornerman tried to bring his horse on the plane with him by claiming it was a registered therapy dog. First question, Tim, I see you have your hand raised. Go for it. “The Instigator” Tim Collins: This is for Christopher. You are looking fit, but your opponent is a modern-day knight. That takes an enormous amount of discipline and athleticism. I’ve heard some out there say you should be nervous, what’s your response? Christopher “Knuckles” Nolen: I don’t take it too seriously. Honestly, he looks more like a squire than a knight. TC: Thanks, Christopher. My next question is for Leevi… *Just as Tim Collins says this a group of fans in the back row stand up and unfurl a large flag of Finland. They begin to chant* SA-ROS…SA-ROS…SA-ROS…SA-ROS…SA-ROS…SA-ROS. *Collins waits for them to complete the salute to their hero and continues his question* TC: It looks like you have a cheering section here. You are fighting IsoG on your home turf, in front of your fans. Does this excite and motivate you? Or add unnecessary pressure? Leevi “Stones” Saros: *Looks at Tim Collins with only a slight turn of his head, takes a couple of second and responds in a calm, even tone* Fighting on the soil of my father and forefathers is definitely a motivational and inspirational special event. In Finland, in general, we are humble, hardworking people. We also want to succeed in life and make our fellow citizen proud of what we do, be it a big or a small task. This combination adds certain "silent pressure" for one to perform to the expectations of many. Despite all this, I stay in solitude and believe in my skills. What comes, comes. TC: eL, you find yourself facing a hometown hero with vocal supporters *Saros fans let out a cheer* why should fans bet on you in this one? “Ungart” eL IsoG: *leans back in his chair relaxed and picks up the mic* It’s easy, man. You see here *motions points to himself* the future of the game. I know the fans love fighting brawl and if it was legal to kill in that cage, I would kill and the fans love that. And it’s me man, their money is not a waste if they bet on me. MF: Settle down there, eL, we want all of our fighters alive. Or we can’t book them on another card hehe *laughs at his own joke* Vernita, looks like you have a question. Shoot! VP: Christopher, you and your opponent both have impressive Muay Thai, what gives you the edge and how do you think this one will end? CNK: I think this match will go all the way and I will win, because I want it more. MF: *Sees Jenkins Jennson jumping up and down in his seat flailing his outstretched arm* What the…? Sir, questions at this event are for members of the media only. Jenkins Jennson: *flustered, his glasses fogging up* But…But sir, I work for Cage Warriors *waves his press credential in the air* You were the one who hired me, remember? MF: *Looks closer at Jenkins* Oh right, it’s you. Fine, ask your question. JJ: Mr. Nolan, why do they call you “knuckles?” CNK: *Looks down at his fists* My friends think that my knuckles look like spikes, hard and sharp, just like the Echidna. MF: Tim, you have another question for eL and Leevi? TC: I do, Matty. eL, you bring a certain swagger to pro MMA. I mean, with those tattoos it is not like you can go work in an office somewhere. What do you say to fans and fighters alike who may question your lifestyle? eL: Bro, since I was a kid I love punching people out. ‘Specially those bullies. This who I am, a modern hero. TC: Leevi, what you think of eL? Do you approve or disapprove of his lifestyle? LSS: I'm not interested of his lifestyle. Whatever floats his boat, more power to him. Heck, mine doesn't even float, mine sinks *smiles* As I collect stones. Yes, I collect stones, in different colors and shapes. Can't get more exciting than this, right? Haha! Have been collecting these *picks a stone from his training shorts* since I was a pre-teen. I dunno what is it about these boring, thankless, lifeless stones, but I do get this weirdly eternal and ageless feeling gathering and watching them just being, still, in time. But yeah, we all have our own swagger, some little more inconspicuous than others. *As Saros completes the sentence, he stands up slow and turns to the podium, which he was sitting next to. As he stands up, eL also sitting next to the podium stands up and suddenly they are facing off with only a surprised Matty Fernandez between them. Leevi is standing peacefully his arms at his sides. He slowly raises his arm and neutrally extends his palm towards his opponent, revealing the stone he had removed from his shorts earlier. He places the stone on the podium precisely between him and eL, not exactly offering the stone to his opponent, but not keeping it either. It lays there between them for what seems like an eternity. Meanwhile, eL IsoG, not knowing what to make of this obscure scene, cocks his head sideways looking straight at Saros with a look of confusion and disgust. He looks at Saros and then at the stone between them* eL: I don’t have time for this weird ass shit, fuck you! *eL extends two middle fingers at Saros mere inches from his face, Saros does not react* *eL IsoG slaps the stone of the podium sending it flying to an undisclosed location. He then turns and stalks off towards the exit slapping his mic off the table along the way causing a loud thud. Saros remains nearly motionless at the podium as if the entire scene barely even occurred. He emits a tiny smile as if to say he remains in control of his surroundings and returns tranquilly back to his seat* MF: Eh ok. Well no one got hurt this time, so that’s good. *sarcastically* Great job Tim, are you trying to get these going before the 24th? Anything else you want to tell the fans, Leevi? LSS: Yes. First, I want to thank Mr. John Wayne, the CEO of Caged Warriors. My sincerest gratitude to Mr. Wayne for giving me the opportunity to show my skills under his protected wings. Let’s see how far this one flies. And I would like to say this to eL - May the better fighter win. Let’s make it a solid one. MF: Well done. It looks like we don’t have any more questions for you two. Let’s get our next group up here. *Matty “swiftly” reaches to the side of the lectern and quickly takes a swig from his flask. As he tries to place it back, he accidentally drops it spilling some of the contents. In that moment the cell phone he had placed in front of him on the podium starts to vibrate so violently the audience could literally see it up and down. Matty looks down, a look of fear crosses his face. He attempts to ignore the vibrating phone, but it is both not ceasing and shaking enough to move the entire podium. Exasperated, Matty reaches down and hits the answer button. He puts the phone to his ear and moves away from the podium for privacy. Of course, mic is still on* MF: Honey…I…It was just wa…I know I know I promis…baby baby please baby please. Alright, but I’m in the middl…this is my job. I’m not just hanging out with my budd. Fine, ok, I’ll pick up diapers on the way home. I can’t talk rii…Ok, hang on…*Looks back at audience* Umm ok ladies and gentlemen. We are uhh, let’s just go to the special presentation. *Matty gets back on the phone and moves to the side of the room pleading vigorously for forgiveness for the person on the other end of the phone. A massive screen comes down from the ceiling in front of the table, chairs, and podium. The black screen begins to flash a neon green X, the x starts small and keeps getting bigger… xXXXXXXX HELSINKI XTREME FIGHTWEAR ANNOUNCER: CWMMA IS PROUD TO PRESENT OUR MERCH PARTNER: HEEEEELSINKI XXXXXTREME FIIIIIIGHTWEEEEAAAAAR!! *HELSINKI XTREME FIGHTWEAR APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. HIGHLIGHT REEL OF HXF-SPONSORED FIGHTERS ANIHILATING OPPONENTS ROLLS IN THE BACKGROUND BEHIND A NOW TRANSPARENT LOGO* *FINNISH DEATH METAL BLARES ON THE SPEAKERS* ANNOUNCER: HELSINKI XTREME FIGHTWEAR – THE ONLY TRUE CLOTHING COMPANY IN HELSINKI *A SLIDE SHOW OF HXF APPAREL INTERMIXED WITH SPONSORED FIGHTERS WEARING HXF AT COMMUNITY EVENTS RUNS WITH MUSIC IN BACKGROUND. *GREEN AND RED PYROTECHNICS EXPLODE OUT OF NOWHERE* *THE SCREEN BEGINS TO FADE TO COMPANY STATS IN BOLD GREEN LETTERS IN CONJUNCTION WITH PYROTECHNICS* HXF - #28 CLOTHING COMPANY IN THE WORLD - HXF HXF - 137 WEEKS OF 500 SALES IN 186 WEEKS - HXF HXF - 5K 90 SPONSORSHIPS FOR FIGHTERS - HXF HXF - EVERYTHING ONLY $25 - HXF *THERE IS SMOKE EVERYWHERE. STROBE LIGHTS ARE GOING OFF. THE KNITTING CONFERENCE IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR HAS CALLED THE POLICE. JERRY’S DAD PISSED HIS PANTS. A GREEN AND BLACK ZEBRA RUNS ACROSS THE ROOM. SCANITLY CLAD ROBOTS SHOOT SHIRT CANNONS AT THE AUDIENCE* *A FINAL EXPLOSION OCCURS* *THE HXF LOGO APPEARS ON THE SCREEN WITH SMALL LETTERS UNDER IT STATING “CUSTOM CLOTHING ON REQUEST” AND KEN ENLOW IN THE CORNER* TO BE CONTINUED. PART TWO TOMORROW.

Lowblow Lowdown: Nyah Hirst Kaufpunch Media Partnership *Scene opens in a studio, on an interview set. There is large screen displaying a never- before-seen logo, KaufPunch Media Partnership. On each side of the screen sit our trusty correspondents. Chief Analyst Juan Alculo and Reporter Vernita Perkins. Vernita Perkins is looking business-like, as usual, in a crisp plum business suit. Juan Alculo is wearing a formal black suit, white shirt, and a black tie. It’s like he’s going to a dinner party after the show. Alculo is tall and slender, with slicked-back, jet-black hair. He looks like a cross between a (association) football announcer and a retired telenovela star who is late to a meeting. The red light on the camera tells them it’s time to get started* Vernita Perkins: Good day to you, fans! I’d like to personally welcome you to our first production of the KaufPunch Media Partnership. On this show we will be bringing you in-depth coverage and interviews of up-and-coming fighters. We’re going to be asking the hard questions and if they won’t answer…we will wait patiently, live on air, until the fighter provides the answer. I’m joined today by former Chilean soup opera star and *perplexed* apparently, our Chief Analyst, Jaun Alculo. Jaun Alculo: Heeeellloooooo spppooortttzzz faaanzzz!! I am soooo excited to bring to you our show: Lowblow Lowdown. VP: *Looks at Juan displeased* What the..? Lowblow Lowdown, seriously? What asshat at KaufPunch came up with that? JA: *Clears his throat* Actually, Vernita, it was me. And I think it is quite clever. VP: *Rolls her eyes* Right. JA: On this episode of Lowblow Lowdown we are pleased to bring you our first in-depth, live interview. Nyah Hirst is currently the #2 middleweight at Sucker Punch. This Japanese-born fighter is riding an impressive four fight win streak that has him tearing through 185-pounders with thrilling passion and reckless abandon. We will find out what makes this Las Vegas-based 20-year-old tick here, today, right now actually. VP: I believe we will be interviewing Mr. Hirst on location. This interview will be brought to you by satellite. Where exactly IS Nyah Hirst right now? JA: Vernita, I’ll be honest with you *looks closer down at his note cards* I’m not sure. It doesn’t say exactly. Apparently, he is at an undisclosed location deep in the Australian Outback. VP: Right, I see how it is. I can’t get me a raise and the meatheads at corporate buying satellites to interview some guy in the Outback. But enough about me. Let’s get Nyah up on the screen. *Static appears on the big screen where the KaufPunch logo had previously resided. A few seconds later the fuzzy image on the screen begins to sharpen. Nyah Hirst appears. He is surrounded by vast empty space, red dirt, and many bushes. Hirst is adorned in a brown monk’s robe spanning the length of his body and coming to an end just centimeters from the ground. He’s got a crop of spikey blond hair on the top of this head. Nyah looks to be in a suspiciously serene state* VP: Welcome to the show, Nyah. I’m glad we were able to find you. Where exactly are you anyway? Nyah Hirst: I'm in the Shrine of the Light. It has guided me here, it guides everything. VP: *Looks at Juan and then at the camera confused* The shrine of light? Juan, what is he talking about? NH: You do not see Light. Most cannot. But that is fine. I have been chosen by the Light to be its witness. And the shrine lies deep within the Outback. VP: Alright, what in the hell are you talking about, Hirst? I see *points to light above her* that light *points to several studio lights* that light and that light. What "Light" are YOU referring to? NH: Destiny, Future, God, Fate, the Light has been called by many ways JA: What she is saying, Nyah, is that you are sounding like a craaaaazyy person. Are you high right now? NH: No, I have no use for drugs. And visions, often appear as madness, until they become the truth. VP: Alright *rolls her eyes* we 30 seconds in and he talkin about visions. Let's just start this interview. Nyah, my papers say you were born in Tokyo. Tell us about your childhood. NH: My father was a soldier, stationed at a nearby US army base. My Mother, a whore the soldiers liked to visit. I never learned of my father. My mother had died of overdose before I turned ten VP: I’m sorry. That is very heavy. What happened to you? NH: I ended up on the streets. It was there, in an abandoned shrine, I found the Light. JA: You found the light in the streets of Tokyo? Typical. There are many, many lights there. Green lights, blue lights. Red lights. Lots of red lights. VP: Can you give the viewers some insight on the moment you found "The Light"? How old were you? NH: I was twelve. I descended down a stairway deep in the San'ya district. The place was said to be haunted, but I needed a roof, as the rain season had come. One thousand dead rats lay beneath the stairs, and as I walked over their carcasses, I found myself in an ancient shrine. Above the broken alter, the Light revealed itself to me. The Light came to guide me. VP: You weren’t even a teenager then. You found the Light. What happened next? NH: I scavenged what I could from the streets, stole food from restaurants and stands I stole what I could, I hid from everyone and everything. VP: That is a tough life. You really faced adversity essentially, from the moment you came out of your mother. When did martial arts come into the picture? NH: When the older, bigger kids wanted to take from me what I had stolen. I never had a teacher growing up. But for a time, I hid behind a dojo. I watched them train. I practiced. I learned. JA: You just learned on your own? NH: In those years, yes. It was only when I came to Las Vegas I got coaches. Although it is the Light that guides my every move. JA: The really nerdy fight fans will, of course, want to know. Which dojo in Japan was it? You are a pro fighter now and the world is watching. Care to make them famous? NH: The place had long since burned down. *Takes a deep breath* Nothing good lasts in San'ya. VP: Mysterious. JA: What martial art did you pick up from that early training? How does it form your nucleus as a fighter? NH: Karate, I believe, but the old style. Designed for actual combat, not sport. VP: Interesting, so you really started with traditional Karate. What would you say to those who no longer consider traditional martial arts relevant in favor of more modern hybrids like, say, MMA? JA: Yes yes…do you think the old masters could compete today? There videos of traditional Kung Fu and Karate masters getting embarrassed all over the internet. NH: Traditional martial arts are focused more on the spirit, on the growth of the fighter as a whole, rather than the pure sport. Would the master of that old dojo be able to compete in MMA? I don’t think so. His favorite move was to jab his fingers into the opponent's eye. Hardly a move suitable for sports. MMA does not attack the groin, the eyes, the throat, or the back of the neck. Not to mention it doesn't use weapons. So, under MMA rules, MMA wins. Obviously, outside of the sport, well, missing an eye is a bit of a problem for most fighters, isn’t it. JA: *To Vernita* A diplomatic answer. VP: Ok, let’s move along. You were in Tokyo, how in the world did you end up in Las Vegas of all places? NH: When I was 15, the Light led me onto a ship on which I smuggled myself to Las Vegas. I hid in a cargo container on a cruise ship. The container's closing was loose, so even though I stayed there for a week, I survived on rain water flowing down by the opening. When I got to Las Vegas, the Light guided my hands through one fight after another until a scout picked me up for MMA. VP: You spent the entire week-long journey across the Pacific in a storage container. It is incredible that you survived. What was the Light telling during this time? NH: The Light made sure I survived. The Light wasn’t “telling me” anything. The Light doesn't speak like you or I, it only guides those who are worthy. I knew I was on my way to the future. The Light had chosen for me to leave Tokyo, so I had to, and wherever I was going, destiny was waiting for me JA: *Interjects* wait wait hold on *looking down at google maps on his phone* Las Vegas is not even connected to water! How did a ship take you there?! Does the Light not know geography? VP: Shut up Juan, *sarcastically* the light can probably drive! NH: *Ignoring the interviewers’ comments* The container got loaded onto a truck. VP: You arrive in Vegas at 15, what happens then? NH: First, the Light guided me to its local shrine, and there, I found an old stash of a local gang with the money. I got myself a place to stay and started fighting in amateur fights VP: With no formal training, you started to compete? Just like that? NH: The Light had given me all I ever needed. I won, one after another, until a scout of Don Xyel picked me up. JA: Ok, I have to ask this question. The viewers will want to know. If “the Light” gives you all you need, then why train now? Why not save on the gym fees?? NH: Don Xyel would not suffer me not obeying his rule. He might not see the Light, but he does not suffer disobedience JA: Ohhhhh draaaamma, noow you are speaking my language. So it was Don Xyel vs. The Light… VP: *Interrupts* …and Xyel won?? NH: Won? No. Merely a strategic standoff. The Light cares not of me working for him for as long as he lets me pursue the guidance of the Light. That is why I fight in Sucker Punch. JA: Are serving two masters? NH: The Don wanted me to sign to a regular 360k org, but I needed to go Australia, where the main shrine of the light lies. That is where I am now VP: Great, lets fast forward a little...you started training MMA, had a successful amateur career, did you actually want to go pro? NH: I cared not, but the progression was natural. One needs challenge to grow JA: You became a pro fighter because the Light guided you to Australia? NH: Yes, I had no good way to get to Australia then to become a pro and sign to an Australian org. VP: Sucker Punch is a top org. Were you excited to start your pro career at such a high level? Did you feel pressure at all? NH: Pressure, yes, a lot of it. But the Light keeps me calm and focused VP: Does winning matter to you? NH: In victory lies growth, progress. There is not much in defeat. VP: Can sometimes one learn more from a defeat than from a victory? JA: *To Vernita* How would he know? He's never lost! VP: *To Juan* I was asking him! *motions to Nyah Hirst on the screen* NH: My opponents never look like they have learned something from defeat. Other than fear. VP: True point there! Speaking of which, let's take a look at your first pro fight against Crisis Smoove NH: A low hanging fruit, an easy endeavor. CLIP ROLLS: Hirst fakes a head punch and goes low to the body. Nicely done. The crowd are loving this. Great action here. KNOCKDOWN Hirst drops Smoove with a hook right on the temple. He thinks about going to the ground but Smoove looks back up at him and smiles so Hirst waves him back to his feet - he obviously thinks he can knock him out after that shot landed. HE’S ROCKED Smoove is rocked! CUT It looks like Crisis Smoove has been cut. Hirst lands a powerful looking uppercut that connected with his opponent's jaw. Oh Smoove is still all over the place! His legs are completely gone! Will he be able to recover?!! Smoove seems to have got his legs back now. KNOCKDOWN Hirst drops Smoove with a hook right on the temple. He thinks about going to the ground but Smoove looks back up at him and smiles so Hirst waves him back to his feet - he obviously thinks he can knock him out after that shot landed. Hirst lands an uppercut out of nowhere! Smoove falls backwards - clearly groggy! Hirst dives in and finishes the fight with more strikes for a TKO finish! VP: So, I take it you were confident ahead of that match? NH: The Light guides me, so I have nothing to fear or to be nervous about. VP: These are three separate things, one can be nervous and fearful, but still confident...can one not? NH: Then I suppose I am confident. JA: Was it your plan to just go in there and knock him out like that? VP: Smoove did come in with some boxing in his background. NH: Pretty much, yes. There is only so many times in a row a fist can meet a face before the face's owner falls. VP: Possibly the truest statement in mixed martial arts. VP: Now, let’s look at a clip from your second match. You ended it in a similar fashion to the first: CLIP ROLLS Hirst circles and sees the opportunity to plant his feet and throw a really nice straight left hand that drops Moker to the canvas! Moker doesn't know where he is but he's trying to survive - Hirst keeps piling on the pressure and forces the referee to step in! This one is aaaaaall over! NH: Brendan surprised me. He actually managed to touch me. Didn’t hurt me, but still. VP: You've ended all four of your fights with your hands, I'm seeing a pattern emerge. Would say you are a boxer first? NH: Karate is close to boxing in a way. A large part of it involves a fist clashing with the opponent's head. JA: How do you reconcile the differences? NH: The variety of techniques helps. Some punches are strict boxing ones, others old karate style. VP: Karate also largely focuses on kicks, no? NH: Whatever works, works. Kicks, yes, but I was always more a man of the fist JA: The worlds football players would say that the foot is the strongest fist...are they wrong? NH: Hitting a ball is a quite different task than hitting the face of the man trying to hit you VP: Let's talk about another aspect. So far, none of your fights have gone to the ground. Most traditional marital arts don't involve the ground game much. Is this a weakness your opponents can to exploit? NH: I have no weakness. Many have tried to take me to the ground, all have failed JA: Good point Vernita, there hasn’t been a top contender with only a BJJ white belt since before the 1990s. VP: What if you fight a top-notch wrestler? Can your takedown defense really stop all comers? NH: I don't see any top wrestlers at the top of my division, do you? VP: What is you get matched up with...say Wilferd Ainsworth? JA: The Third, Vernita, Wilferd Ainsworth The Third. NH: So far, he has made the exactly same number of takedowns and offensive ground moves as I have. VP: Certainly, we are not speaking of the past. Your record so far is crystal clear. What if you are matched with such an opponent? What then? NH: Then I would knock him out like everyone else. VP: And if through sheer luck he manages to take you down? NH: then he will achieve nothing. Just like against my friend Konrad Wagner. He has been taken down, not too many results. VP: Arrogance or confidence...we soon shall see. VP: Of course, it's fair to have some arrogance after that phenomenal finish in your 3rd fight. JA: Yes, this one is on everyone’s "best of" high light reels for 2020 VP: Juan, this one is on "best KOs of ALL TIME" CLIP ROLLS Scruggs backs away from a small jab... but Hirst lunges forward with a huge superman punch! Scruggs crumples to the ground as his mouth piece is sent flying! Hirst with a spectacular finish! VP: It looks like you timed that superman punch to counter his jab perfectly. Had you watched tape on Scruggs? Was this something you had been drilling or did you just see the opportunity in the moment and take it? NH: Buster possessed great power, but no wisdom to wield it. He opened himself, he got punched, he went out cold. VP: He sure did! Let's take a slight detour now, shall we. I want to ask about your *ahem* personal life. Is there a special lady or man out there? Or is it just “all light all the time” for you? NH: I have no time for things. The path of Light requires focus, concentration, and a steady heart, no matter how many hookers Don Xyel sends my way. JA: Oh, how generous! VP: I see. Sounds like you are incredibly focused *under her breath* and explains why you're so damn uptight. *even more under her breath* Got a damn stick shoved up underneath the back of that robe or something. NH: There was someone…Back in the streets of Vegas. I told her not to take drugs. She did not listen. She overdosed. VP: I take it she did not see the light NH: No, most cannot see it, but I have been chosen to show them the path. VP: Is the light some sort of kooky religion or something? Are you like a cult leader? NH: *Looks directly into the camera* I am like a champion who inspires others by carving the way to the future. VP: I see. Let's now shift out focus to your next opponent. You are scheduled to fight on October 17th, against a very game opponent. Your toughest, to be sure. Psiris “The Virus” Fuhren. what your thoughts on Fuhren? NH: Yes, Psiris is older, more experienced, and he has purple hair VP: Yes, his hair is so loud he has apparently been cited for violating noise ordinances in multiple jurisdictions. Fuhren is a skilled striker. Two FOTNs, 1 KO of the Night. Will you stand and bang with him? NH: Obviously. Such is the path of the Light. JA: The path of the light is to stand and bang! VP: Let me ask a question that might put you in some crosshairs. Do you think you have the best Boxing in Sucker Punch at 185? Can you knock out anyone in the division? NH: I am not certain about the KO. The champion seems to be resilient to that. VP: But you feel like you can outbox the champ, if given the opportunity? NH: Yes. After Psiris, his turn will come. VP: I'm sure if Wanderson is watching this, he'll take some exception to those words. But before that, you still have to come up with a cure for The Virus. JA: Or at least a vaccine. NH: Yes, the man with purple hair likes to think he is not a stepping stone. He will see the error of his way when he lies unconscious inside the cage. VP: Do you want to say anything directly to your opponent? NH: No, there is no need for words. The Light has no use for quarrels. JA: Hey hey *Sees kangaroo in background behind Hirst* Nyah, is that a kangaroo behind you? *Indeed a kangaroo hops behind Nyah Hurst, oblivious to the interview taking place* NH: No, you may have had too much to drink VP: Wow, this man is laser focused. Let me go back to your comment just now. No use for quarrels, interesting words for a prize fighter. NH: Prize is mostly earned for winning fights. As is the Light's guidance VP: Would you fight for free? NH: I would, but Don Xyel would have a thing or two to say about that. VP: From your mouth to the ears of the corporate heads at Sucker Punch JA: I hope you don’t have contract negotiations coming up. NH: *Looks perplexed, breaking his semblance of calm briefly for the first time* Do fighters ever participate in those? The Don does not let me close to any negotiation. VP: It looks like we've reached the end of our time here. Nyah Hirst, thank you so much for joining us. Is there anything else you would like to say to the fans, or anyone out there before we sign off? NH: Watch me, and see the greatness of the Light. VP: The Greatness of the Light. You heard it here first. See for yourself if the Light will stay Lit or will The Virus lay claim to another victim on October 17 at Sucker Pro Series 17 sponsored by Shadow Warrior Nutrition! You’d be a damn idiot to miss it. This has been Lowblow Lowdown, a production of KaufPunch Media Partnership. I’m Vernita Perkins with Juan Alculo, till next time. FADE TO BLACK

Caged Warriors MMA: A New Dawn 10-24-20 Preview Pt. 2 If like betting underdogs, look no further than Da Two, in Nansen vs. Two. Casual observation demonstrates a skill advantage for the 19-year-old Nansen in Muay Thai, Wrestling, and BJJ. Da “Goods” Two two chances…his left and his right. He’s got to keep this fight standing and at a distance. The young Viking also has two grappling matches under his belt. Da Two must use his freakishly tall physique and poke holes in Torden with his long, long jab. He simply isn’t good enough to go to the ground with Nansen and isn’t built for it. Prediction: Torden first round TKO CWMMA brings you a special match-up here. Two 18-year-olds stepping into the cage as professionals for the very first time. The tattooed, self-styled Cebu City Boss versus the fresh-faced, Finnish philosopher. We know they can throw hands, but what else? Perhaps Ungart will attempt to clinch as a path to victory or maybe Stones will grind, ground and pound his way to a first win. A highlight finish for either could be the start to a very promising career. Prediction: IsoG by split decision Another set of 18-year-old Warriors making their debuts at A New Dawn. This one appears to be somewhat lopsided. Said George is the bigger and taller man. He also has higher attributes in each martial art, especially boxing. At 18 and with no fights to their credit, there are so many unknowns here. While George may have spent time sparring, it is quite possible Nolan spent time on technique and getting his conditioning up. It’s all good if George is skilled, but if he gasses out, that could mean the end of him. Prediction: “Sir” Saint George will please his lord with a first round KO A classic boxer vs. Muay Thai kickboxer match-up. With Gold Fist looking to us his uhh fists while Boozer will likely seek to kick his way into a clinch. Taih is not unstoppable having been unscrupulously dispossessed of his consciousness in his first and only pro fight. Both have skills in wrestling and BJJ so if this affair hits the canvas, fans could be in for a treat. Prediction: Gold Fist by 2nd round TKO Fight fans will see this match at the outset as relatively even. The key difference is Sleeth leans on wrestling and BJJ, while Mikolajczyk maintains the advantage standing. It will come down to whether Sleeth and take him down and keep him there. If he can keep it on the ground, he’s got a good chance at victory. Miko’s decision loss in his first fight tells us that he can be defeated by a competent boxer. Sleeth is not exactly that but he’s got plenty of tools to finish this one Prediction: Sleeth gets the Dubbya by first round tapout Pre-Fight Press Conference Next Week

Caged Warriors MMA: A New Dawn 10-24-20 Preview Pt. 1 The moment we have all been waiting for will be upon us in just weeks as Caged Warriors MMA opens with its first EVER event, A New Dawn. The night of fights will be held at the Helsinki Micro Arena. With Helsinki Xtreme Fightwear on as Merchandise Partner. Because entering the cage naked is not only frowned upon, it’s also against the rules. Matchmaker John Wayne has ensured we have a spectacular night of fights in store. Let’s take a look. [/size] This has the potential to be an epic battle! Both Sam Salter and Al Barru have proven themselves ready for a step up in competition, with only two losses in a combined 12 QFC fights. To the naked eye, Barru has the definite advantage if the fight remains vertical. However, out of 12 combined pro wins, a big fat zero have come by way of KO or TKO. Neither has shown the acumen or desire to stand and bang. At the end of the day, this comes down to the age-old question of BJJ vs. wrestling. Salter, a BJJ brown belt, has all 8 of his wins by submission. While Barru, a standout wrestler (and BJJ blue belt) splits his 4 wins, with 2 by submission and 2 by decision. If his two decision wins are an indication, Barru will try to grind this out, but don’t be surprised if he opts to keeps this one standing. Salter will likely employ the strategy that has worked splendidly for him so far, sub attempts from the moment the bell rings. He is going to need to be at the very top of his game as he is giving up 15 cm (5.9 inches) in height and walks around UNDER the 135-pound limit. Barru, the bigger man, will barely be making 135. This one is very exciting and really could go either way. Prediction: It’s impossible to ignore Sam Salter’s 8 submission wins. We’re going with Salty’s BJJ action by the first-round submission. True fight fans will really be looking forward to this one as it will be true test of tactical wits. Both Nobunaga and Legs are BJJ Brown Belts. Except this one to go to the ground. What happens at that point is anyone’s guess as the skills these two warriors possess are nearly identical. Nobunaga hold a slight edge in wrestling and Legs stands 16 cm taller, we will see if either of these are a factor. Nobunaga also holds the edge if we look at their records with 3 wins and no losses to Legs’ 2-2. All wins have come by way of submission. Noteworthy, that all of Legs losses have also come by way of submission. Prediction: Nobunaga, second round submission. Safe choice here. All things equal Nobunaga holds edge were both fighters excel. We have another monumental fight here. Two very respectable fighters looking to stay undefeated. Maldini with 1 KO and 1 Decision. Thomas with an outstanding record of 4 Decision wins. Let’s look deeper into these four wins, shall we. The game plan is similar, an entrée of well-rounded boxing, takedowns, and ground and pound. Normal so far, what makes it impressive and dangerous is the accuracy. Just head punches, out of 115 thrown in four fights, Thomas landed 111. Maldini is no slouch, with respectable boxing and 15-second TKO win in his first fight. Looking at his second win. A supremely dominant unanimous decision. Maldini threw 122 total strikes…and he LANDED 122 total strikes. He made his opponent’s face look like ground beef. He also stuffed a whopping 37/38 takedowns. Prediction: Really hard to call. Maldini split decision. It’s going to be a damn slug fest. Can’t wait. This is one of those fights that could end up anywhere. Magnusson and Sanchez only have one fight between them. If we look at Magnusson’s performance, it is clear he will want to dictate the pace and level of the fight. It is unclear whether he will be able to do so against a game opponent like Cabron. A simple review reveals Boxing and BJJ in Sanchez’s favor, while Floki has the edge in wrestling and MuayThai. All this adds more to our confusion because both could prevail at any level. Magnusson will be the older, slightly more experienced man in the cage. Magnusson wakes around 10 IBS heavier, but gives up a 5 cm height advantage. Prediction: Iceland by 2nd round TKO This one is straight out of Thailand. Both men have, in their brief careers, shown a propensity and impeccable accuracy in the clinch. Mad dog obliterating 3 opponents, 2 in the very first round. The Rhyno doing the same in his one and only outing. With the aggressiveness these men have already demonstrated we are going to call this one out for a fight of the night award. This is not the fight to take a bathroom break for. Unless you have a TV in your bathroom, of course. It will be non-stop action. A few further notes here, Mad dog stands at a whopping 199 cm. That’s all arms and legs. He should be called mad giraffe. Gerin, not known to miss a meal when not in training, walks around at 280 Ibs. He will be the wider of the fighters. One thing to watch out for is the Rhyno’s wrestling, if he can use his strength and far superior ability to keep Contreiras on the ground, he may just be able to put down the Mad Dog. Prediction: Mad dog by decision To Be Continued

Thank you. I will be talking more shit soon.

That is helpful. Thank you!

Thanks, bro!

So this is kind of an oddball question...in the "Mail" part of the mmatycoon page, is there any possible way to see messages as threads versus individually? (For example, rather than seeing an individual message I received from someone in response to my message, I would favor seeing all the messages between myself and that person, or at least my previous message to them) It's taking a lot of time to have to click back and forth between the inbox and outbox over and over again and locate messages and then click back to the original open in new tab. Oh, now I have 700 tabs open